Today I am 40. I celebrate a new year of life. A new decade. And I thank 39 for teaching me many things. Lessons I thought I had already learned. Lessons I believed I had mastered. Yet there I was at 39, making the same mistakes, stumbling along and, at times, feeling stuck, unclear and lost.
At 39, I learned that I have to grow the fuck up. I had yet to do that to the fullest of my potential. I have struggled with following through and embracing responsibilities. I have sucked at sucking things up (work, authority – you name it) like other adults do. And for a long time I believed this was because I was special and had a calling. I still believe I have a purpose in this life, to spread a message of authenticity and strength for women of color.
But being my authentic self doesn’t mean I have to be selfish. It doesn’t mean I should think of my immediate needs only.
I have learned that #adulting and taking on bigger responsibilities, like being a new mom and equal partner, doesn’t take away from the childlike, youthful woman that I am. I can still be that person and kickass at work. I can be that woman and hold down the fort. I can be that human being and still party it up and be spontaneous and creative.
I have learned that I can be my authentic self and pursue my passion all while holding down my family. And yes, that means having a traditional career and returning to the 9-5 workforce. That means working on my YouTube page less, this website less, and my social media less so that I can build financial wealth until this here biz makes me a millionaire. There ain’t nothing going up but the rent. Boo can’t do it alone. And I don’t want him to.
I have learned how much I’ve strived to be independent while sabotaging opportunities to be independent. I’ve quit jobs that would have been amazing long term because I felt like I was sacrificing some part of my creative dream. I’ve quit at times because I didn’t feel good enough or smart enough. I didn’t even go full throttle when working at my dream job on radio because I wanted things to come easy.
I wasn’t grateful. I know that now. And that’s why now at 40, I vow to take each day as it comes, find solutions instead of bailing, and stop complaining so damn much.
I vow to find the good in every shitty situation.
I vow to build myself and my loved ones up.
I vow to continue to grow personally and professionally, to be accountable for my actions and to not be so hard on myself when I do fuck up.
Because I will fuck up.
I am 40. I am woman. I am human.
I am open for what this new decade brings and will continue to learn, to grow, to be authentically me.