Since December 21, 2012 is the end of the world, I decided to spend my last 24 hours on Earth reflecting on the loves of my life. There haven’t been many; I may be a romantic sap but I don’t fall in love that easily. Still, there is a lesson in every bad date, bad kiss, and even bad set of teeth (I’ll get to him soon).
Online Dating Misconnections: Since 2006, I’ve dabbled with online dating, mostly because my friends encouraged me (see: threatened to create an online profile for me) to try something new. I believe in being proactive so I plugged into the matrix. I joined Match.com, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and every online site that let me brag about how fabulous I am.
What came to be were many misconnections. There was Mr. Clever, who was obsessed with bachata – the traditional music from my mother’s motherland. You’d color this Dominican impressed. But I refuse to lift a hip (that’s how he danced to the music) for the rest of my life! He, however, wasn’t the worst. Mr. Clever didn’t press or try to force a connection that wasn’t there. We never had sex. We never kissed. We never even held hands. After three dates, it just faded. That wasn’t the case with What’s His Name. What’s His Name, with crooked teeth, bony limbs, and an awful sense of humor (if I hear another Knock, Knock joke!!!), did not give up. He took me out on a date. He drank too much on said date. He kept texting and calling though I ignored him after our date. What’s His Name refused to forget my name! And I refused to stay online. On January 2012, I deleted all online dating profiles. I learned to let Him come to me naturally, whomever he is.
Past Loves Make for Great Lessons: Elijah is my first love and the only man that I have ever loved. I’ve been in lust. I’ve been enthralled and filled with passion and hopes and dreams. But Elijah has been the only man so far with whom I envisioned a future. A house outside of New York, a beautiful and healthy daughter, a loving marriage – this is what I desired with Elijah. Though I never received it or anything close to it, I am grateful to him and our relationship. He was the first man who treated me like a partner. He integrated me into his life, introducing me to friends and family, and we made decisions together. We were a unit. And I thank him for that because now I know what it feels like.
An Adult Relationship Is The Best Relationship: In my 34 years of existence, I never doubted that I had adult romantic relationships. I’m mature, reflective, and intelligent. How could I NOT have an adult relationship? Now, I am with Paco. And Paco is a man. Because he is a man, I am a woman. I can talk to him about what I feel without previously chugging a bottle of Bacardi or throwing back shots of tequila. We can stumble in our relationship and not break. Most of all, being with Paco has taught me that relationships take time. Learning about one another and connecting on a deeper level takes time. Being with Paco has taught me that I still have work to do. My abandonment issues, fear of rejection, and need for reassurance are still impacting my relationships. This relationship is different. I am different. So, I have to do things differently this time around.
That means opening up, being my authentic self, and letting go of control, even if it scares the shit out of me.
And it does scare the shit out of me. Being vulnerable and letting someone in is terrifying for most. But why not start today? Why not reflect on our past relationships to create a better relationship and life
It’ll be worth it even if we do have 24 hours to live.
Thank you for reading. Tomorrow’s 2012 Holiday Blog Tour stop is Samantha Kolber over at Poet Tree. Her passions are poetry and other writings exploring feminism, motherhood, self, the Goddess, love, life, nature, the outdoors, and all things beautiful.