I’ve quit almost everything in my life. Jobs, friendships, projects and goals: I’ve quit midway, midpoint and just when beginning. Sometimes I don’t literally quit. I don’t shout “I’m done!” at the top of my lungs and storm out. Before I give up, I check out. Tap out. Emotionally, I’m done.
It’s healthy to quit when in a toxic relationship. It’s healthy to quit when you want to do more and be better and when a circumstance or person is holding you back. It’s a terrible habit to quit because you are afraid.
I’ve quit jobs, friendships and goals because I am terrified of failure, of being questioned and challenged. I am terrified that I am not enough and that any and all responsibility that I take on will prove to be too much for me to handle, will prove that I am not smart enough, hardworking enough, responsible enough…just not enough.
I thought I had extinguished the feeling of feeling less than. I thought I had a handle on this shit. But now that I face a similar crossroads, a familiar fork in the road on the same path, I realize I have so much more work to do.
I am struggling with what to do next professionally. I feel the same need to reinvent myself. Now that I am a mom, I don’t want to work all of the time. I want to enjoy my life. I don’t want every minute of my existence dedicated to being a #girlboss. I don’t want to feel guilty for feeling this way either. I am also being hard on myself for my missteps and mistakes. I am feeling regretful and I am constantly in my head, thinking, “What if I had stayed at that college job? What if I hadn’t quit graduate school the second and third time around and finished my degree in therapy? Where would I be now? Would I be happier? Would I feel more fulfilled?”
What I do know is that I have quit almost everything in my life – even projects that I love and have been praised for – because I am running away from something. I felt like giving up even when I was on radio and in editorial, and I complained just as much about that creative work as I did when I worked in education. I hated being challenged; I am not good with authority. Instead of taking it as an opportunity for growth, I rebelled. Like an impetuous, stubborn child, I pouted, became difficult and resisted the change that I felt being forced on me.
I always told myself it was because I was a creative who needed to have a creative career (my loved ones would say that now as they feel I am too hard on myself). I realize now that it’s bullshit.
I have been running away from responsibility, commitment and consistency – all the things I have craved in my life and that I wanted and now have in a partner – because of the feeling that I am not enough. I thought being famous and on reality TV and on radio would fill the void. I thought being a #girlboss was what I wanted. Only I was still unfulfilled when living my “dream.”
As my pastor says, you can’t run away from your issues, your feelings, yourself. I am the only person that can fill my void. Not a career or a man. Not even God.
That is why I am writing this. I am back to journaling to bring me back to center. I have taken an Instagram hiatus to dig deep, push away feelings of jealousy, nostalgia, regret and hate, and bring me back to the Sujeiry who loved to write, create and, yes, help young men and women. The Sujeiry who liked to go to work and who enjoyed the stability she built for herself. The Sujeiry who wanted more, yes, but who believed she could do so while being smart, savvy and practical. The Sujeiry in her 20s who really thought she was amazing with kids, her community and with the written word.
That’s the woman I want to return to – minus the Bacardi shots, sobbing in the shower because of some dude, and physical insecurities.
How do I get back to that young woman and take all that I have learned and how much I have grown to continue to better myself? How do I become Sujeiry 3.0? (2.0 was the Sujeiry on SiriusXM and Telemundo and wanted to build an empire, who checked goals off her list, but lacked direction and consistency.) My next step is to return to therapy, continue reflecting and tapping into my feelings, journaling and sharing my experience. I am going back to basics: writing because it heals me and makes me feel good. Also, thanks to a podcast that I found, I am creating a mission statement for my life and who I want to be. Another podcast called Clarity on Fire also helped me realize that I was running away from myself, which is why I am back to writing these reflective, open and candid posts.
In the end, I want to do better and be better. For me. For Boo. For Evan. For my baby girl (if it’s in God’s plan). Not perfect, but better. I want to be more responsible while being present and feeling like I can do anything that my heart desires. I want to feel like I have abundance and wisdom. I want to feel and believe in all ways and always that I am enough.
I will one day. I know it. Because I refuse to quit…on myself.