I have struggled for months to get over my ex. Then, in a split second I found myself in an eight car pile up, and it changed everything. My car was smashed on both sides, I was trapped and scared. I was rescued by a very nice team of men who tore my back door off and helped pull me to safety. I found myself dazed and confused by the side of the road – in shock.
I was asked if there was anyone I should call. In another life I would have called my husband of a few months. That’s over now. In the life where I exist I called my brother.
I was rushed to the hospital where I was put through tests to ensure my brain was not bleeding. Finally out of the danger zone, I sorted out my car insurance, how to get a new car and tried to find relief from the constant pain I was in. These things served as a good distraction. But the impact of the accident soon hit me emotionally.
What would have happened if I had died in that accident? Would my ex who I invested so much time an energy on care or know that I was gone? I once thought he was my best friend, the love of my life. Thing is he wasn’t. A man that loves you doesn’t walk out on you without so much as a sincere goodbye. Instead, he discarded me like trash; yet I cried over him when it was over.
In reality, what have I been grieving? He made me feel so un-pretty. If I died in that accident, I imagine he’d pull off my burial sheet and say, “Damn Tab, her ass is still so small,” or, “her boobs were way to big.” He was so shallow that he could never see me from the inside out.
I realize now that I haven’t been living my life. I have been living in the past, living in a fantasy of what I thought my relationship was. None of it was real. The future I planned – he was never really in it or into it. When my time comes to leave this Earth I want to be with someone who will grieve over who I am not who I could have been. I can see clearly now that I was wasting precious time every time he crossed my thoughts, every time I wept. That’s over now.
Fortunately, God has given me a second chance. I may have sustained physical injuries but my heart is finally free to be with a man who will love me the way I deserve to be loved.