I have this friend who we will call Samantha. She is what you would call a sexually-liberated woman. She once told me “blow jobs are handshakes in her book” and that “a rim job is part of her blow job repertoire.”
It’s clear she loves sex, is an open book, and engages in her fair share of the casual variety. Samantha is one of those girls who thinks of sex the same way most men do. She’s able to separate the physical act of sex from love (for the most part) and finding a man who she has great sexual chemistry with is key to determining whether or not a guy is viable relationship material. And any guy who gets to be with a woman as sexually open, confident, and assertive as Samantha has struck the lottery, especially since many men are committed to women who hate (or even refuse) to go down on them.
Recently, I was concerned that Samantha wasn’t getting what she wanted from men. She always gets into these precarious scenarios, and so I asked her, “Are you happy engaging in these strictly physical relationships?” She mumbled some sort of broken answer, hinting at the fact she wasn’t entirely happy. To sum it up: there was one guy she wanted more from but she felt like she was being used. She had, through hers and his creation, built entirely sexual parameters for the relationship.
Thing is when you engage in an entirely sexual relationship from the start it’s difficult to suddenly inject romance down the road. Sure, relationships can develop, but when sex becomes top-of-mind early on, it often serves as a glittery exterior to a hollow inside.
This got me thinking about other sexually-liberated women like Samantha. Is their high sex drive their Achilles heel when it comes to building real romance? Does their highly sexual nature cloud romantic judgement? Does their kinkiness and sexual openness scare guys off from considering them as “girlfriend material,” and instead, label them as wild side-chick girls they can objectify sexually? In a sense, they have the same issues that many men encounter when engaging in a lot of physical flings that don’t amount to real relationships.
So this is what I have to say to my friend Samantha, and others like her:
You make your own rules; society doesn’t make them for you. In fact, sexually liberated women who relish in their sexual nature and proudly take ownership over their sexuality, not conforming or restraining themselves to fit into some preconceived notion of what is “ladylike” and how a woman should act when it comes to sex, should be celebrated and appreciated. If you want to exist in a relationship that is purely sexual, and it feels genuine and real to you, bang his brains out and enjoy every last minute of it.
The only time you are objectified is when you engage in sexual acts that conflict with who you are. Like, if you continue to function within a relationship dynamic that makes you feel used, unappreciated, and at conflict with what you really want out of a relationship. For example, you sleep with him because sleeping with him is better than asking for more and potentially losing everything. Or you’re obsessed with the amazing sex you have together so you settle for something entirely physical. Or you bank on the false hope that you can fuck your way into his heart. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if he’s not interested in anything more than sex yet, he’s never going to be. So you have to ask yourself, “Is this what I really want here?”
If sleeping with a guy too soon ruined the potential of a relationship, it wasn’t meant to evolve into a relationship in the first place. There is no magic number of dates you need to wait to sleep with a guy that makes you seem like a lady and not too easy — while still doing it early enough that he doesn’t get frustrated and lose interest. So being a sexual person doesn’t cut you off from real romance. The right person is going to appreciate and thank God that you’re not a woman who refuses to suck the dick of the man she loves.
In the end, it’s about being on the same page as someone, feeling a connection, and knowing very well that what you have is real and more than a lust-induced infatuation. Sex with you, as amazing and mind-blowing as it will be, will only be the tip of the iceberg. He’ll want to do it, take you to dinner and hold your hand and rub your back, before going home and doing it five more times before bed. And not once will he make you feel like a sex object — more like a Sex Queen, actually.