2015. It’s a new year. 2014 came and went as quickly as a rat scurries through subway tunnels. That’s what the beginning of last year felt like. Fast. A bit yucky. Dark. I had to crawl through some confusion, uncertainty, and darkness. I had to reconnect with my self worth, my love of self, and reevaluate my life choices – where I’ve been, where I was, where I wanted to go. Heavy stuff.
But with the darkness came enlightenment. I realized that this is the way life goes: with every high comes a low. The more I embraced this fact the easier it became to let go and let God lead. It was challenging at first, to let go of expectations, especially regarding my career and what I needed from others as friends and family members. Shit, it was downright heartbreaking. I felt alone many times in 2014. Even when I was surrounded by loved ones, loneliness would often creep in, unexpectedly. I felt unheard, cut off, unseen.
I questioned who I let in all of my life and why. I wondered why I embraced certain people over others. I noticed that I’ve always felt a need to be heard, to be loved, to be nurtured, to be vulnerable. So when I felt connected to the few – those that are strong, ambitious, passionate, go-getters – I bore my soul and sometimes forgot about their needs. The need was so deep to be vulnerable and taken care of that I became consumed with it and neglected to be there for the few in the same way. They needed me as I needed them. Because we are all vulnerable. No matter what we say or do, we all need to be heard.
Another big lesson of 2014: I blame myself for many things that go wrong in relationships. I take accountability, which is a sign of strength and self-awareness, but I also take on the weight of mending and fixing said relationships. I do whatever it takes. A great quality when investing that energy in a healthy relationship, but what if it’s not a good relationship?
I’ve done this all my life. I continue to work through it with someone even when the relationship should not be salvaged, just because I let them in. So, yes, 2014 was heavy. It was dark. I was tested in new and old ways. I know I will also be tested in 2015. It’s part of this thing called life. That I know to be true, just as I know that I will thrive and flourish in 2015 no matter what high and what lows life brings. I just have to let God lead.