Starting new often means letting go of the old and familiar. This is what I am presently experiencing. I am moving forward and flourishing yet I am abandoning so much.
It’s doing a number on me.
I am thrilled. I am nervous of the unknown. I am saddened of those loved ones I am leaving behind in order to move forward and live the life I have always envisioned.
I feel like an emotional enigma…to myself. So much so that I haven’t written a word in my journal. I don’t know what to say…to myself. I don’t know how to express my emotions…to myself. And so I listen to music instead. I sing along to songs that can speak for me lyrically, like “First Love” from Adele.
“This love has dried up and stayed behind. And if I stay I’ll be a lie. Then choke on words I’d always hide. Excuse me first love, but we’re through. I need to taste a kiss from someone new.”
My love for NYC has gone. My need to remain in surroundings I’ve always known has diminished. If I stay – with my family and dear friends back east – it will be a lie. I won’t ever feel like I gave myself and my future a true chance. I am tired of hiding.
So, to my loved ones, I have to go. To my loved ones, “Please wipe that look out of your eyes. It’s bribing me to doubt myself.” And it’s doing a number on me.
Forgive me first love(s).