Last Friday, I tried my hand at babysitting. I was alone with a my niece for 4 entire hours and, somehow, survived. She survived as well, even though Tia is a germaphobe that is terrified of poop…and drool…and snot. But, by the end of my adventures in babysitting, I felt closer to Nila and much more aware of the kind of mother I’d be when that time comes.
I also learned a few other interesting and kooky things about Nila, myself and baby care. And here we go!
- Baby Poop Should Have Its Zip Code: Maybe in Staten Island. Because Nila’s poop had the stench of the Staten Island dump! It was pea green, or was it olive? All I know is that it stank and it was everywhere! Greenish caca all over her little booty and back? What did she eat?! All I know is that baby poop is terrifying, and I don’t want to reside anywhere near that zip code.
- A Baby’s Kick Is Lethal: While I was cleaning zee caca, Nila was having the time of her life. She is 1, after all. And 1 year olds live it up like 21 year olds, chuckling and giggling at the silliest of things. So in her 21-year-old-but-she’s-only-1-glory (minus the booze), she began to kick! Poop smeared all over my hand and she thought it was hilarious! Nila kicked and kicked and kicked until she kicked me in the boob. She almost got me in the pepa™. “What are you doing to me, Nila?!” I asked. “Do you want to kick me in the goods? What about your future cousins?” She peered up at me with wide eyes, removed the fist from her mouth (her fingers are always in her mouth) and giggled as if whacking me had been the best time of her life.
- There Giggle Is Contagious: Once Nila laughed, I laughed. How could I not? She exposes her teeth and her chubby cheeks look like she is hiding peanuts. So there I was, almost knocked out by a lethal kick in the pepa™, having the best time of my live.
- Yo Gabba Gabba Is Like Crack: The cleaning of the booty had finished and she was a clean but unhappy baby. Nila began to cry. So, what to do now? Watch Yo Gabba Gabba! I turned on the television and put on the kids program. As soon as that goofy Black dude was on the tube, Nila’ stopped sniffling, chucked and her eyes lit up. Soon, multicolored monsters began singing about eating snacks and washing hands. “Yummy yummy in your tummy” started to play and Nila clapped as if it were Beyonce on stage, singing at the top of her lungs to “Girls (Who Rule The World.”) My niece was mesmerized. She continued to watch the show as if it contained a secret message that only 1 year olds could decipher. Me thinks its a ploy to kick me in the pepa™!
- I Still Want One: By the end of my 4 hour babysitting session, I was wiped. Nila took a 2 hour nap, which gave me the opportunity to write, but after only an hour of her snoozing, I missed my Itty Bitty. I wanted to hug her and kiss her, baby poop odor sifting through her booty an all. I wanted to watch her turn and turn on the bed and try to stand while on the floor. I wanted to hear her laugh and see her genuine, innocent smile. At the end of that morning, I knew I not only loved Nila with every ounce of my being, but that I also wanted a baby just for me.
I better start working on that. Till then, I will be clocking many more babysitting hours.