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I Used To Self Sabotage My Success

by lovesujeiry
Published: Last Updated on

I launched my goal setting planner and I felt damn good about setting an intention and accomplishing a goal. I felt like dancing a merengue ripiao. I felt like singing a faith-filled gospel. I was on a high; surely I would sell 50 copies my first week. Only I didn’t. When I analyzed my sales numbers my heart dropped, my hips stopped swinging, and my voice cracked.

I sold 4 books. FOUR! Commence Self Sabotage Success Sequence.

Stage 1: Feel unsupported

Eyes glazed over, I think of all my loved ones and exclaim, why have thou forsaken me in my time of need? As in, why didn’t y’all mofos buy my product? They say your first customers are your family and friends. Granted, the four folks that did purchase my goal setting planner are in fact blood related (one only through mutual birthday. Hi, b-day twin!). But I have at least a 10 people that I consider close friends! Cue violin, trumpet, and every other somber instrument.

Stage 2: Feel unworthy

After I blame everyone in my life for failing to be my ride or dies (like Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte were for Carrie in Sex and the City), I point the finger at myself. How dare you believe you can succeed as an entrepreneur? What makes you think you can sell anything? Quit while you’re ahead, yo.

My internal dialogue is hardcore. When I feel like I failed to meet a goal, my self-talk goes dark fast. I am extremely hard on myself. I am also extremely optimistic. That’s why it’s difficult to launch and not meet sales goals. It doesn’t feel good. And when I don’t feel good enough I self sabotage success.

Stage 3: Second guess my chosen path

If you think my last rabbit hole is bad, hold on to your ears. During the third phase of Self Sabotage Success Sequence I second guess my chosen path. I analyze every career choice I have ever made and every project that has failed. I falter. I flounder. I cry, what am I going to do now?! Instead of keep on keeping on, I make impulsive decisions out of desperation to “course correct” and often end up in get rich quick schemes (ahum, Multi Level Marketing). So, if you see me on “the pole” one day,  the rabbit hole got so deep I couldn’t pull myself out of it with panties on.

Stage 4: Desperate decisions

I deep dive into my next “venture” because I am too afraid to stick to what I started. I want to bolt instead of commit. What if I only sell four planners? What if that’s all there is?! How long will it take to make money? I need money! And I’m off to the bunny races, redirecting my energy into something a new venture or an old project or idea that I abandoned because I also didn’t give it enough time to flourish. 

It’s a Pattern, Y’all

I have followed this pattern to the letter many times, and I am so aware of it. After the veil of confusion and delusion lifted, I stopped beating myself up over my life choices. I let my self-perceived failure sink in while eating vanilla and chocolate ice cream and watching 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days (my obsession). I stayed off Instagram and YouTube, and spent the day playing Simon Says and Hide and Seek with my son, Evan. I prayed to God right before bedtime and asked for clear guidance:

God, please reassure me I am on the right path. Reassure me of my soul purpose. The next morning I had an aha moment. This isn’t a failure. I set a goal to launch and did just that. 

Commence Love Myself Enough Sequence. Because self sabotage stems from a lack of self-confidence. We all have that Negative Nanny voice that talks down to us. My voice whispers, who do you think you are? You’re not good enough to accomplish your goals and be successful. That’s why I took a day. That’s why I took a breath. That’s why I spoke to God and even called on my ancestors, my abuela Tata, for guidance.

I am proud of myself for setting an intention and accomplishing said goal. I choose to show myself compassion even when mompreneuership isn’t what I hoped.

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