Once upon a time my family thought that I was a lesbian. Despite the fact that I have been bringing boyfriends home all my life. The problem was that I was reaching an age where Latina women should be married with children. My mid 20s. So, if I wasn’t married or about to be married then certainly I must like women.
It’s not that I have something against marriage or having a boyfriend. Marriage is just the last thing on my mind. Except that I am certain my mother made a deal with Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook to make sure that everyday someone on my timeline gets engaged. I know it sounds crazy, but every time I log on someone with perfectly manicured nails is flashing her Beyoncé “Single Ladies” hand and showing off the ring he put on it.
Now I have a boyfriend (that destroyed the lesbian rumors) and we had a wedding to attend. I made the mistake of letting my mother know because all she could talk to me about was how marriage makes you a woman. It may be the pressure put on women, especially minority women, to be married by the time they are 25. Or it may be that I’m rebelling against marriage all together. But it was 12 days before the wedding and I still didn’t have a dress to wear. I had just come home from having too many martinis with girlfriends) and I drunkenly bought a dress online. From England. Drunk shopping is great!
Four days before the wedding and the dress still wasn’t in my hands. I was certain I ordered it air express. Did I? Yes, of course I did. Just to make sure I sent customer care a message.
I placed an order for a dress using express shipping to be delivered at the latest today XXXXXXXX. This dress is for a wedding I am attending this weekend. It is very important that I receive the dress today. The shipping information has not been updated since yesterday. Can someone please explain when this dress will be delivered and whether it will be in my hands at the latest tomorrow? Where is my dress!
Customer Care responded: Many thanks for emailing us with your query. It has been passed to one of the Customer Care Team and rest assured they will be looking to resolve the matter as soon as possible. As soon as we have a resolution for you, we’ll let you know. Thanks for your patience and we’ll be in touch as soon as we can.
See, this was a sign from above. I couldn’t even get myself together to be a wedding guest. How could I possibly be married myself and have a family?
The FedEx man finally arrived. With my dress in hand. Maybe this was a new sign from the Universe? I closed the door to my office and headed for the staff bathroom. I ripped the plastic cover and tried on the dress. It didn’t fit. I sucked in my stomach and did the Wiggle Into Your Dress dance. Nothing. Great. Back to my original train of thought. The Universe was giving me a sign about weddings.