I recently went to Vegas and women in wedding dresses and men in tuxedos were everywhere. They walked had in hand and smiled from ear to ear when strangers burst into claps as they walked by. They were excited. I was paralyzed in fear.
It wasn’t always that way. Growing up my favorite past-time was imagining weddings with my sisters. We would sit on my mothers couch and make a guest list, create dresses from our bed sheets (my mom would disapprove) and, if we remembered, pretend to care how many guests our future husband would be allowed to have. You see, I hardly ever took into account that a marriage was between two people and pretty much thought weddings were where marriages began and ended. “Thanks for coming to my party! Ok bye, I’m going back to my parent’s house!”
It may be because I am older; it may be because I now realize the hard work that goes into relationships; or it may be because I’m broke and can’t afford the pony I was going to train to dance salsa as I march down the aisle: now, I don’t pretend to plan my wedding anymore. I take marriage more seriously and really think about what this means and when I would be able to make that kind of commitment.
This of course scares my mother who I’m pretty sure is horrified at the prospect of no husband and no grandchildren in the near future. I know this because she sometimes says, “It’s so weird you and Boyfriend live in different apartments” or this fun exchange:
Me: I was throwing up and the doctor sai–
Mom: you’re having a baby!!!
Me: *sigh* I have a virus.
So what is it? Why am I scared of marriage? There are two reasons that keep the thought of marriage away from my imagination.
I love weddings but I don’t like to plan things. I’m also very clumsy and my anxiety would be at an all time high walking in heels down the aisle. Plus, I love seeing two people who love each other invite me to an open bar to dance in their honor. Champagne? Yes, please.
Two: I’m afraid of friendships changing after marriage. Every other person over 34 with children tells me the same thing: “You get married and you never hang out with your friends again.” This sends me into a panic. No wonder I am scared of marriage! I already have trouble getting all my girlfriends together in the same room. This is just because we all are busy with life and work. Although, it makes me sad that we all don’t get together as often as we once did I would hate to think we’ll never be in the same room again.
What do you think? Should I be scared of marriage? Do friendships change? Is your mother also scared you’ll end up alone and barren? My mother’s paranoia may be reason enough to send me stumbling down the ailse. Maybe.