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Forever the Side Chick: The One That Was Engaged

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The Single Life

Forever the Side Chick: The One That Was Engaged

As pathetic as it sounds, I was just a toy. His entertainment. His fun. Some excitement for whenever he was bored. And I loved him for a loooooong time.

Our “relationship” didn’t start out as a relationship at all; it was all about the physical (at least for him). I was Steven’s stress relief from work…and from his fiancée. You read that right. Trust me, I am not proud of being a side chick. Yet there I was readily available for a quickie or anything else Steven wanted. You can burn that Scarlett “H” on my chest now.

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As pathetic as it sounds, I was just a toy. His entertainment. His fun. Some excitement for whenever he was bored. And I loved him for a long time.

When we met I was coming out of the other side of yet another failed relationship. So Steven and I started slow; you know, flirting here and there, texts, and casual conversation. I could always talk to him in that cliched way of being able to talk to someone who understands you like no one else does. That was what Steven was to me; he filled my void the way no other man could. He was also wise, non judgmental and supportive. But, as smart and fine as Steven is, he is equally manipulative. He knew that he had me. Emotionally and mentally, I was weaker than him. So you can imagine what happened next right? Cue Mad Cobra and sing with me, “Flex-a time to have sex-a.”

Having sex with Stephen was the worst thing I could have done. I just fell more and more in love with him. He started to become that man, the man of my dreams. With every secret rendezvous I fell deeper and deeper.

When he noticed I was acting more like a girl in love and less like the side piece he called on his lunch hour, he was quick to get me back on track.

He insisted we kept our relationship a complete secret and I agreed as neither one of us wanted our affair to end – albeit for different reasons. We had our lovers’ quarrels and wouldn’t speak at times but we would always come back to each other.

It wasn’t until a year later that I realized Steven was more invested in us than he led on. Steven could have cut me off  (he had options) but there was something that kept him coming back. The second I started acting a fool (and there were times where I acted like a complete fool over this man), he could have bounced. Instead, with his charisma and his sly way of talking me off the ledge, I’d be right back with him.

I think Steven liked the control. He enjoyed knowing he had me wrapped around his finger in more ways than one. Steven was also possessive and loved knowing I was his and his alone. Yes, this was very one-sided, but I fell for it anyway. Even when I tried moving on and dating someone new, Steven would reel me back in. He’d constantly point out what was wrong with any and all potential suitors when I’d bring them up. 

“He’s not your type.”

“You’ll grow bored with him.”

“I think you can do better.”

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The list went on and on. And I listened. Though Steven was in a very committed relationship with his fiancée, I stopped dating other men and focused just on him.

After two years of being with Steven (but not being with him) our relationship started to shift. Because I grew tired of being just a side chick.

The truth is Steven was never going to be with me. He was never leaving his fiancée. And all I had at the end of it all were two years of nasty, built up karma.

I wanted more for myself. I wanted someone who I didn’t have to sneak around with. I wanted to be someone’s other half and equal. And you’re never an equal when you are a side chick.

I now realize I had locked myself up in a romantic prison. Steven was my jail and I willingly sacrificed two years of my life, my body, my spirit and, most importantly, my heart for a man who would never be mine. Yet, I don’t regret being a side chick to a man with a fiancée. I walked away from this experience learning the most valuable lesson of all – self-love. My teacher just so happened to be an almost married man.

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Tiffani is a true city gal, hailing from the concrete jungle of New York City. With a large coffee in tow (that’s pronounced caw-fee to my non-New Yorkers) this closeted “self-help” addict and Lifestyles writer is on a continuous quest to discover how to have the best romantic life. An old soul with new age sarcasm, Tiffani’s sharp, witty and tell-it-like-it-is attitude has resulted in many a snafu as she tries to navigate and conquer the most challenging and complicated assignment of all: dating the New York City man. Come a long for the ride as this seasoned serial dater tries to find balance between her journey to self-love and her old school values on dating and relationships. She writes about her lessons and adventures in dating as a twenty-something millennial and all the new rules that apply.


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