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I Struggle With Dirty Talk During Sex

Dirty Talk
Flickr: Rachelkramerbusseldotcom.

Sexy Time

I Struggle With Dirty Talk During Sex

No offense, babe, but your porn star banter is a real turn off.

“Talk dirty to me, babe,” is a phrase I’ve heard far too often. Just like freshmen year drama class, Melissa and role playing do not go hand in hand.

Why is it that men expect me to morph into some verbally-seductive temptress? And most importantly, why is it impossible for me to act out their fantasy without bursting into laughter or gagging in disgust? No offense, babe, but let’s keep our mouths closed unless we’re making out or giving oral. Your porn star banter is a real turn off.

It started back with a one night stand with a guy I met through work. We banged on a sail boat. I should have known he was a bit off when he asked me if I spoke Mexican. He screamed “little bitch” and “dirty cunt” while demanding I verbally abuse him back. The best I could come up with was an awkward “fuck me, you asshole” and he seemed to really enjoy it. I repeated it over and over while holding back laughter and horror. I climbed out of the boat short of breathe, hair in dread locks and entirely confused as to what just happened to me.

PLUS: Dirty Talk During Sex: Are You Into It?

Then there was that boyfriend I despised who kept quiet until a few minutes before he was about to come. The dirty talk was a relief as that meant the end was near. “You like that babe? Yeah? You like that?” he’d repeat in a creepy high-pitched tone. “Yeah, you’re a dirty little girl aren’t you?” I’d lie there silently, holding back vomit and thinking to myself, “No, I didn’t fucking like that and I’m not a dirty little girl,” as he finally finished and put an end to the worst 5 minutes of my day.

I understand that not all dirty talk is created equal; some is a bit more extreme. It’s definitely possible to engage in erotic and sensual teasing that is mutually arousing. Unfortunately for me, I only get the hardcore, creepy porno stuff and I can’t figure out why! Am I giving off some sort of pheromone that’s attracting sexually perverse men? Does it say “dirty little whore” on my forehead and I just don’t know it?

MORE: Is Your Man a Solosexual? A New Sex Trend

I’m not sure but I’m confident I’ll eventually find a man who can reach an orgasm without having to berate me. If not, I’ll take notes from my favorite rap songs until I’ve created a word bank substantial enough to exceed his expectations.

You want dirty? I’ll give you dirty.

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Melissa is a writer from Long Beach, California who aims to bring out the humor and horror in modern-day dating. She believes there's no sugar-coating romance, and her writing brings out the raw reality of the millennial fight for normalcy in a virtual hook-up generation. When not poking fun at her numerous dating misfortunes, Melissa is often playing volleyball, attending concerts and cooking fantastic meals.

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