Before I met Boo, I went on a date with a Colombiano from Queens. We met on OKCupid. He had great stats: a BA from Queens College, in his late 30s, and he owned his own home. He was un profesional, as Mami often says. And he was cute, y’all. So I initiated contact.
Days later, we exchanged contact information and he gave me a call. I picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other line. It was so…feminine. He had a bitch voice, one that took me back to the freestyle of the late 80s and early 90s. Was that you, Coro?
Still, I decided to go on a first date. Maybe I will get used to his voice, I thought. Don’t be so picky, Sujeiry, I told myself. That’s what all my friends and family advised. Time and again I was told that I was too selective, that I needed to give men a chance and not judge too quickly. In other words, ignore my gut even when it was screaming, “he’s not the one for you!” It’s something I could never explain. When you go on a date with a man or woman and it just doesn’t feel right, and you can’t pinpoint why you don’t want to see this person again, it’s hard to put into logical words. Because it’s not logical at all. In fact, it’s emotional and chemical. I’ve always known when a man was not the right fit for me, yet I ignored my intuition time and again because I didn’t want to be pegged as “too picky.”
So I went on a date with Colombiano. I arrived at the Mexican restaurant in midtown and he was late. When he walked in – flushed, nervous, and lacking confidence – he didn’t realize that I was standing by the entrance. The place was packed, and he dashed right past me. I didn’t approach him to say hi. I wanted to observe him – his mannerisms, his posture, his essence – from afar. Finally, when he looked like he was about to panic, I tapped his shoulder. He turned around, wiped the sweat his from brow, and smiled nervously. I knew right then and there he wasn’t it.
Why? Because I didn’t feel that connection. I also knew the kind of man that I desired, and that is one that carries himself confidently. Colombiano was sweet, but he was insecure. I need a man that is strong, that can take care of me as much as I take care of him. I couldn’t be with someone that I have to constantly build up and reassure. Plus, there was just no chemistry between Colombiano and I. That’s a deal breaker.
I didn’t come to this decision quickly. It took me three dates to finally realize that I wasn’t being too selective or a pain in the ass; I just knew that this relationship wasn’t the relationship for me. And Colombiano was devastated that I didn’t want to see him again. But, for my and his sake, I couldn’t pretend.
I’ve pretended before and it sucked the life out of me. Countless times, I went on dates and entered relationships with men even when something felt off. Whether the relationship was filled with complications, game playing, or drama, or there was simply a lack of chemistry, I would stick with it for fear of being single. While going through my single gal journey, I felt confused. Like many of you, I was scared to end up alone if I didn’t stay in relationship, or give the guy who was “good on paper” a chance. I was also met with a lot of naysayers, people who loved me, yes, but wanted me to, “stop being so picky,” and just settle down. However, through it all, I knew that there was a man that was right for me and all of my flaws, needs, passions and positive traits. I met him, and so can you, as long as you listen to your heart, know what you want and never settle.