One of the worst feelings that I have ever experienced is that of feeling unloved. It is a feeling that is difficult to describe and even more difficult to vanquish. No matter how much love the unloved may have it doesn’t connect in that moment. In that moment, it is all wallowing, questioning, and sobbing.
As a child I felt unloved because my father abandoned me and my family. He was and still is an inconsistent father. Now, I can cope with the reality of half of my DNA, but there are still moments when I feel like that child. Lonely moments where I feel disregarded and in dire need of reassurance, particularly from my romantic partner.
This is expected. When the first man you ever loved leaves you the love of the ones who follow will always be questioned. And soon the pattern continues and one becomes an abandoholic – a person who is attracted to unavailable partners. I was attracted to men who reminded me of my father. Now, I am an abandoholic who is trying to break the cycle with my new partner.
Still, I slip up. I feel unloved and the following feelings consume my heart and soul:
- Devastation when a relationship ends, no matter how deep or how long the relationship
- Feelings of desertion if people don’t meet expectations
- Immense disappointment
- Fear he will leave when things aren’t perfect
- Fear of rejection
- Insecurity and self-doubt
- A strong desire to abandon him/her to protect myself
- Feeling unworthy, not important, and unloved
If you’ve experienced most of these emotions, you fear abandonment. Abandoholics can also fear being entrapped, the other extreme of wanting to be committed in order to feel loved. Those who fear to this extreme will run away from relationships all together, becoming involved with partners who lack understanding and respect. It all comes down to maintaining control and keeping our vulnerabilities intact.
Eventually, the flood gates open. Fear builds when it is not confronted. Instead of feeling carefree when an already doomed relationship fails, the abandoholic feels rejected. The rejection seeps into our core as the pattern continues. Insecurity festers, waiting for the right moment to strike with an impulsive reaction, an emotional outburst, and ultimately, a deep seated feeling of unworthiness.
Today, I felt unloved. At the very moment I tapped away at the keys, I was frightened that my boyfriend didn’t love me. The harder I pounded on the keys the harder my heart pumped. I could not escape the feeling and so I decided to write.
It is a shame that after 22 years I am still coping with abandonment. It is a shame that I feel unloved as I have so much abundance and love in my life. But when one suffers from abandonment issues it is easy to revert to an insecure girl/boy who hid herself/himself from the world. It is easy to see an unreturned call as a disappearing act. What is not easy is waiting for this feeling to pass. It is so hard to ignore; so difficult to turn off. So I sat there. I sat there and bled onto the page, knowing I will return to center just as I know the fear will return.
It always has.
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Take a Nap
I personally think it is crazy when people don't take naps during the day. I love to sleep. A nap can cure a headache, make you better when you are sick and even mend a broken heart. Whether you KO for 2 hours or take the ultimate 15 minute power nap, take a snooze during the day to be happier all day. Photo Credit: Flickr.com/Demandaj.