I wanted so badly to believe that the man I was falling for felt the same way. In the beginning, he showered me with attention and took the time to get to know me. He started texting me within minutes of me giving him my phone number, and we would text for hours on end. I would fall asleep texting him and wake up to more texts. If I was on a business trip, he wanted to know that my flight arrived safely to its destination or that I had gotten home safely at 2:00 a.m. He was so considerate.
He also had a smile that could light up a room and while he was a bit awkward, I found him absolutely dreamy. He wasn’t even my typical type: he was smart, nerdy and a bit more structured than the normal free-spirited guy I go for. I got butterflies every single time that I saw him, I still do.
Then he warned me not to get too attached. I felt a bit taken back but I am normally a very chill person and thought, whatever, I’ll just go with it. But his actions didn’t line up with his words. He wasn’t staying at a distance and I was allowing myself to get closer. He asked so many questions. He wanted to know about my life, about my family and my interests. I felt myself opening up to him in a way that I normally don’t. I do not become attached to men easily. I am a weird, quirky girl that finds it difficult to reveal who I am because I don’t want to be judged. Yet I let him into my world and my heart. I could not control it.
When he’d remind me not to get too attached, I’d think, I’ll live in the moment and enjoy his attention while I have it. Even if for a short period of time. I didn’t want to pass up having such an amazing person in my life because he wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship. It wasn’t like he lied about what he wanted or led me on. I was well aware of the situation, but I secretly hoped that he would change his mind. I never pushed him or brought it up, though.
Now that I think back I realize I was not only lying to him but to myself as well. I actually convinced myself that I was not attached.
When the texting began to slow down, I began to worry. I wondered if he had met someone else. I knew that I had no right to ask him. I knew deep down I was just a temporary option. None of that mattered. I just wanted to have him in my life. I couldn’t see my self-esteem crashing and my self-worth diminishing. In the moment, I convinced myself that I would be okay with whatever happened. I had agreed to this situation. Besides, if I expressed my feelings, he would cut all ties and run.
Till this day, I have never told him how I feel. He still texts me but I don’t respond; I know he doesn’t care anymore. The only way that I know how to cope is with silence. I guess I am still questioning why I couldn’t keep his attention: what is wrong with me? I wonder if it’s because I am the tattooed, quirky girl. Maybe I will never be the girl that he can bring home to momma. I will probably never know.
All I can do is hold my head up high and believe that one day someone will want to be with me – all of me. I am hopeful. I will never give up on love.