When I was single I hated attending weddings. Aside from the reminder that I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride, I just couldn’t deal with the viejos that kept asking me to dance. Just because I was stuck at the singles table at 30 years old (see: where college kids sit and chug free booze) it doesn’t mean that I will be your Private Dancer, old man!
Oh, but they were persistent. So much so that I had to find tactics and master said skills to scare off the oldies (and not goodies). The next time you find yourself at a wedding, single and alone, try some of these suggestions. Your cousin’s old sleaze of a friend will finally leave you alone.
There’s nothing like a crazy set of eyes and a rabid twitch to scare off a man. Even a desperate man will fear for his life. Pull off an Emmy Award winning performance!
Be into girls.
At least just for the night. Lesbihonest: men love lesbians, but old men are not progressive enough to love them and scream, “threesome!” Unless he’s Hugh Hefner your love of girls will send him to the next gal.
Act like a dude.
Oldies love their ladies prim and proper. So that’s why when at the wedding you should burp and scratch your crotch in front of him. Act like a dude and he will go away, and maybe find a gal his own age.
Wear him out.
And I don’t mean to wear his sweater when the AC is on blast. Take his hand and indulge him. Dance with him. In other words: don’t stop, get it, get it! He will be huffing and puffing in no time, and won’t want anything to do with you. Just make sure to have the paramedics on stand by.
Find him an old lady.
Maybe your abuela needs some attention, or you mom wants a sugar daddy. Regardless of who it is, spot that lonely old lady at the wedding and make the intro! You never know: you may become a matchmaker for the old and lonely. And be another bridesmaid at a wedding. In that case rinse, lather and repeat.