Sweet relief! It’s almost the end of summer and you’ve attended a handful of weddings…as a single woman. You’re done till next year, you think. Till a Save the Date peaks from under your “Kiss Me, I’m Single” sticker on your refrigerator. You panic. Another wedding to attend to. Another day to plaster on a fake smile when you don’t catch the wedding bouquet. Or you don’t want to catch it but attempt to any way to avoid the stares from the judgy viejas.
I mean, do you want to be single forever?! Hamona! Solterona!
So what’s a gal to do? I say surprise your Tia’s and family friends by bringing a wedding date. Hook your arm to that of a man and shock the shit out of ’em!
But where will you find that illustrious wedding date? Here are some ideas.
1. Go with your guy pal. This is the easiest solution. You’ll have fun, and if you meet someone he won’t cock block you, and vice versa. Only thing is that your friends will know that he’s just a friend. Unless you tell them otherwise and fake a breakup that very night. Que dramatica! (Insert raised telenovela brow.)
2. Reconnect with your long lost cousin. And I don’t mean in that way. Don’t believe the Dominican hype; los primos no se esprimen. Translation: don’t do your cousin. Trust me: it happens!
What you should do is ask him to be your wedding chaperon. None of your friends know him. He’s been gone for years! He lives in Arizona or Alaska or some other foreign land. Just keep your family relations mum. And don’t do your cousin!
3. Hire a gigolo. Just make sure he looks like this:
And not this:
And that you don’t fall in love!
4. Go the lesbian route. Bring a girlfriend instead. If anyone asks, you’re “experimenting.” Knock the dentures out of those scowling viejas when you escort your gal pal to the dance floor, get in close and swerve to a slow jam.
5. Barter a wedding date. You have a friend who has a guy friend who just broke up with a girl and needs to get out of a funk. Or you have a friend who has a cousin who hasn’t had a date in years. Regardless, these guys are game. And are as much in need of a date as you are. Ask them to do you a solid and be your wedding date. Hook ’em up with something they want. It may be you. Giving up the goods is solely up to you. Who knows? It may work out. You may just go to your next wedding with a real plus one.
Check out these must have wedding items on Amazon.