I always seem to find and date douchebags. When we break up, I want the heartless bastards to suffer immediately. What can I say? I have a devious mind. But, as I am getting older I am realizing that throwing bricks through windows, keying cars and telling new girlfriends that I gave their guy herpes is completely unnecessary. Do I really want people to think I have herpes? Why risk my impeccable reputation.
So I am leaving it up to the the bitch we call Karma.
But, what if in fact that woman is me?
Recently, a guy I dated on-and-off reached out, asking for a second chance. He wanted to explain his side and asked me to come over to his place, where his two cats often waited for me to chew up my weave. Still, I decided to hear him out. And, as I looked at him, how terribly he treated me came rushing back. When we broke up he would post status updates about me, like, “The weather is as bipolar as the girl I used to date.” Plus, he completely disregarded my feelings when he ended our “situationship” via text and included an “lol” at the end.
So you can imagine that while sitting there calmly, waiting for his explanation, I pictured myself taking his Star Wars toys and destroying them. I wanted to behead those little bastards then pull off their arms and legs. I’ll show him bipolar. Besides, what man has a showcase of toys? Oh wait, I’m sorry collectibles.
I wanted to murder those collectibles.
He began to explain why he disappeared. There was a combination of “it’s not you, it’s me,” the struggles of running a business, and an overbearing stress that forced him to isolate himself. Then there was me. He didn’t like that I added a facial piercing as he felt I was having identity issues and he needs to be someone who knows who they are. And the fact that I always wanted a piece of his time and would even text him “I miss you.” His excuses went on and on. Finally I asked, “So why am I here?”
“I want to focus on building a relationship with you,” he replied, “You’re beautiful, own your home, we live fairly close to each other…we both have great careers so our potential for a substantial income is significant, plus we have common interests.”
“The pros outweigh the cons,” he finished.
It sounded like a business arrangement. Where do I sign? Said no one ever. Needless to say, I told him I would get back to him.
He has been texting ever since, everyday, begging for my attention. Once in awhile I respond. It’s just enough to let him think there is hope when there is none. Is it cruel? Absolutely. But karma really is a bitch and I am as bipolar as the weather.