Lately, I’ve been hearing about this concept, and I don’t know if I can do it. “It” being to love freely – without conditions, attachments, or expectations.
I’ve always held on to love, sometimes too tightly. Whether lover or friend, foe or family member, or even acquaintanceship, I have expectations that I want others to meet because they are expectations that I meet. I need answers when conflict arises and when things don’t make sense. I need closure even if that means social media stalking, or angrily emailing those who have rejected me or severed me from their life without an explanation that I deem good enough.
I have trouble letting things go. Not arguments or slights. On the surface, I get over those in an instant. But people, well, even when they don’t want me anymore I just can’t let some people go emotionally.
And I can sit here, tapping away at my phone’s keyboard on the F train subway line, and rehash my father’s abandonment, and how it has caused my need for control and an unhealthy attachment to those who don’t want me in their lives, or I can admit that I cannot love freely.
I want to. I want to be like my friend Vicky who embraces others, and let’s lovers and friends be free to be who they are, even if who they are may hurt her somehow, someday. I don’t want to feel disappointed, slighted or forgotten when a loved one cancels plans abruptly, or when a falling out occurs and the relationship can’t be stitched back together. I don’t want to be like Mami, who reels in her loneliness even when she is not physically alone. I no longer want to whine and bitch when people don’t put in the same effort to connect.
I want to love freely.
But how can I when my heart and mind don’t align? No matter how much my mind says, “Sujeiry, detach and love without conditions, attachments and expectations,” my heart feels the pain of abandonment all over again.
I don’t know if I am build to love freely.
Then, I speak to my mother, and I listen to her suffering. I watch how she suffers due to holding on to past relationships, broken friendships, unkept promises and unmet expectations. And I know I have to find a way to change. For my inner happiness, I have to strive to love freely or risk losing myself to darkness.