My first kiss felt like a torpedo was shot into my mouth. I was 16 and the soldier who gave my virginal tongue Post Traumatic Stress was a smooth, Puerto Rican student that I’d been crushing on since the 11th grade. The Bronx native was slim and cocky, walking into rooms with his chin an inch higher than those around him. I expected nothing but fireworks when we first kissed. Instead, I got a spinning tongue and a half-gallon of slobber.
Unlike his torpedo tongue, the relationship never took off. Terrified to kiss him again, I avoided alone time. He would accompany me to my friends dorm, and when his lips inched closer to mine I’d stop to speak to a student or motion to the sparkling stars that illuminated the night sky. Soon, he asked me to come over for a parietal – Andover’s term for dorm visits with the opposite sex. I fibbed, claiming Mami was picking me up early because I had to “study.”
Men don’t stick around when they’re not getting any lip action, so my “first kiss” moved onto a girl who enjoyed his supersonic tongue. Initially, I was hurt but once I learned that 66% of women end budding relationships because of shitty kissing skills, I felt relief. But what if you’re the 44%? What does one do when in this predicament? Tell a man his kissing makes you cringe? Bring a box of tissues to wipe off the drool? Or remain single and smoochless for all the days of your lives?
It all comes down to truth-telling. Communication is everything in relationships, so no matter how badly our mates kiss we must express our underwhelment. Besides, it is likely we will encounter someone with a different kissing style. Just like dancing merengue everyone has their own swing. With that said here is my list of the different kissing techniques we either loathe or enjoy.
- The Sensual Kiss: The Sensual kiss is a kiss de telenovela. The kind of kiss that makes your vagina wet and your heart grow with every soft, tender nibble. With this kiss there is a lot of caressing as the man and the woman are emotionally present. It is truly the best kiss to set a romantic mood and increase intimacy.
- The Bite AKA The Suckler: The Bite is a kiss that has, well, bite. These are the kisses that leave you scarred after a passionate night of sex. Most biters begin with the lower lip and move on to bite your neck, shoulder, ass cheek. When in the throws of passion anything goes! Biters are also known to be sucklers. As they bite, they suck, switching from one technique to the next.
- The Peck: These kisses are the quickies of kissing. You wake up with your honey in the morning and you peck. He drops you off at work and you peck. You spend time with the parentals and while in their presence you peck as to not blind the elders. It is a fast and appropriate way to show your affection and love.
- The Flicker AKA The Tongue Sucker: This guy loves to flick his tongue so much, you’d think he was from the sea. You open your mouth and he’s flicking away as if he is licking a wound or licking his babies clean. The flicker is also a tongue sucker. He opens his mouth and grabs hold of your tongue, sucking it like it was a penis. But hey, some people enjoy fellatio of the tongue.
What matters is that you can speak to your partner about the kisses that you enjoy. You may merge two or three kissing styles into your smooches and that is also okay as long as you are both enjoying the experience. After all, kissing builds intimacy and, for women, it is the introduction to sex. So get your A game on, fellas, or you’ll end up with a woman who suddenly has to do a lot of homework.