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How To Get The Sex Life You Want (Without Withholding or Controlling Sex)

Ay Love!

How To Get The Sex Life You Want (Without Withholding or Controlling Sex)

I use to lead a limited sex life. A sex life where rules ruled my every decision and every move. No kissing on the first date. Three months wait to have intercourse. Work my pepa™ nice and slow with step by step directions like so:

  • Provide 15-20 minutes of kissing and necking.
  • Don’t remain too long on my breasts, and definitely no pinching or biting.
  • Stick it in. Nice and slow. No BANG,  BANG,  BANG allowed!
  • Work your hips. To the right. No, my right! That’s it….aaah!

A romantic evening this does not make.

Nevertheless, it is the mechanism that I and thousands of women have utilized to seduce and romance. Why? It comes down to control. According to Dr. Spurr, the author of Fabulous Foreplay: The Sex Doctor’s Guide to Teasing and Pleasing Your Lover, women “see the sexual side of their lives as something to be claimed completely and utterly as their own.” We think it is our pepa™ to give and are also aware of the lengths men will go to get a crumb of that yummy cookie. (Just the tip, my ass!). But what happens when we settle into a relationship? Do we and should we still withhold sex and direct our partners on the when and how? Absolutely not. This defiant and manipulative act can leave men feeling rejected, unattractive, unlovable, and horny. The sum of all these factors equals a man who jumps ship. Where will he land? Mastering the breaststroke on another woman.

So what are we semi-controlling women to do? Do we succumb to his way in the bedroom? Do we keep our mouths shut about how and when we want our pepa™ worked? Yes and no. As I venture into a new, committed relationship, I will have to communicate (verbally and nonverbally) what feels good to me and what doesn’t. The key is to communicate with  tenderness and prior to lovemaking. Men have egos, especially the Latino men that I date and love (my current boyfriend included), so we must broach the subject with a soft strength.

At least that’s what I did.

Two weeks ago, I decided to show my boyfriend how I wanted to be kissed. He was a good kisser, but I wanted it to be great. I wanted less raw sexuality and more sensuality. So I cupped his face and cooed, “I’m going to kiss you in a different way. Is it okay if I lead?” He nodded his head, eager to be the recipient. He loved the kiss and, when reflecting, said he had a better understanding of my sexual technique and preference. From that one kiss, he knew what would feel good to me in between the sheets.

That’s  the thing with men. They want us to be dominant and aggressive. They want us to demonstrate and express raw, unfiltered, unlimited sexual prowess.  We just have to approach this with balance. So next time you are with your man, dance the dance. Personally, I am ripping my directions to shreds; my shredder is plugged in, ready to devour my self-imposed rules.  Do the same in order to live a limitless, orgasmic sex life.

That, Pepitas, is an order!

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Sujeiry is a natural storyteller, dynamic radio show host and the proud CEO of She's been at this digital media and content creation game for 15 plus years and pours her heart and soul onto - the only site for Latinas on all things love. After realizing there was a void in the love/relationship Latina media market, she took matters into her own hands and became the go-to sex and relationship expert on Latinx platforms. The former sex and relationship expert on works diligently and passionately to encourage women of color to be their authentic selves as they navigate all things love.


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