‘Do you want to go out with him? Check yes or no.’ Hmmm, I thought. I pondered this question as I stared at the white-lined paper with its ruffled edge, clearly ripped from the pages of someone’s spiral notebook. I picked up my purple pen and wrote in my response. Maybe.
Since 13, I have been walking the line. One foot on each side of the fence. Hedging my bets. I think it is my unyielding need for order, not adept at going with the flow persona as indicated by a popular personality survey. I usually teeter between the worlds of being a “thinker” or a “feeler.” Or as I like to call it: the worlds of Decisive Diva and Can’t Make Up Her Mind Momma. However, I find myself making decisions with my heart rather than my head. I travel so far past the middle that I almost forget how to be as direct as I can be.
With my Decisive Diva on one shoulder, I can make clear and logical decisions, but when the stakes are high and my ego – or in more extreme situations, my heart – is what’s on the table, Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama pushes Decisive Diva off my shoulder and whispers tainted nothings into my ear. She catapults me down a path of indecision. She tells me that to remain ambivalent leaves me in “control.”
Fortunately, I started to realize that this non-committal method was a sign that something wasn’t quite right. Many women do this very thing and for the same reasons. When reflecting on her relationships with her current love interest as well as with her ex, Mandy, 29, concludes:
“Indecision in relationships is like a caution sign. I don’t think there is major indecision when it’s truly right.” With Mandy’s ex, she found herself in a constant state of uncertainty whereas with her current guy, there is no hesitation.
My conversation with Mandy made me ponder a past relationship with a guy named Jason. After being with Jason for a few months, I knew I needed to decide where it was all going. I was hesitant, but because I really wanted to be with him, Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama swooped in and allowed me to make excuses for his bad behavior and focus disproportionately on his good behavior. This was in contrast to other situations with guys I only kinda wanted to be with. In those cases, Decisive Diva totally took over and swiftly severed ties. From this, I could only draw the conclusion that my indecision with Jason was definitely a caution sign. This behavior, on my part, was something that needed to change. And the first step to change is admittance.
As I thought about it a little more deeply, I figured out that regardless of whether I stood on the fence or jumped to a side, the end result would be the same. If it was meant to be, it would be. I’m ready to embrace the way Carla, 30, approaches her relationships. Even when she truly cares about a guy, if she knows they are not the one, she ends it rather than playing the ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ game.
Since this revelation, I’m confident that when faced with the grown up version of ‘check yes or no’ (or more of a text message) I will choose either or and let ‘maybe’ linger behind the scenes with my Mama.