Long ago, Mami taught me to hold on to my goods until I am in a committed relationship with a man that respects and loves me. I am far from perfect. I’ve had my bouts of “hooking up” for satisfactions sake (don’t tell Mami!). Still, deep down I know (and I always did) that “hooking up” rarely brings couples together.
But, let’s first define “hook up.” To some, it can be as innocent as a make out session or as hot and heavy as sex. The “hook up culture” continues to grow, often replacing relationships and what was once called “dating.” Hence, men and women are more detached in relationships – or so says Donna Freitas, author of, The End of Sex: How Hook Up Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy.
Freitas’s theory is partially based on the results of an Internet survey she conducted. Out of 557 male and female college students from various universities, 41 percent expressed sadness, regret and ambivalence the morning after a hook up. In essence, young men and women are engaging in meaningless sex or “hook ups” even though they don’t really feel good about it.
And they don’t feel good about it because, despite all this casual sex, men and women still value an emotional connection during sex.
A study conducted by Durex proves this. Out of 2,000 men and women, 87 percent of women said their hottest sexual experience was with a partner who they had a former relationship with and trusted. These women were turned on by sexual partners whom they knew – not a random one-night stand or “hook up.” Even men agree; 95 percent of men polled stated that an emotional connection makes for a better sexual experience.
Here’s the conundrum. If “hook up” culture is on the rise, yet men and women have better sex when they trust and know someone, can we have healthy romantic and sexual relationships? Not really. Hooking up contributes to singles remaining single. Now a days women are just as willing to keep it casual, so why would a man want to commit to just one woman and one relationship? Also, men and women are now settling for the “hook up” even if it’s not fulfilling. Subconsciously, you start to believe that’s all anyone wants you for. So you continuously partake in yet another casual hook up, make assumptions and put emotional guards up that deter the chance of a real organic relationship from forming.
How can you simmer down and date without “hooking up”? Learn to wait, just like Mami told me. That way you can connect with your sexual partner. Also, work on yourself and become a more secure person overall. When you’re insecure, you chase unhealthy relationships and people to temporarily alleviate that crappy feeling – like, you hook up.
So, the first step to connect with a partner (aside from keeping your panties on till you’re really ready) is to be confident. Know what you bring to a relationship to receive something greater than an empty “hook up.” After all, Mami does know best.