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Heartbroken? Don’t Take It Out on the Next Guy

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Heartbroken? Don’t Take It Out on the Next Guy

When heartbroken over and over again we expect the worst out of people – in my case, men.

At 26 I met Johnny – a Puerto Rican/Italian who pulled me in with his magnetism one night at a Harlem bar. I won’t repeat the details of our short yet torturous love affair; it’s all in my book, Love Trips. What I will do is share a piece of advice a friend gave me at that time.

Don’t take out what the last one did to you on the next one.

PLUS: 7 Survival Tips to Get Over an Abrupt Breakup

I looked at her and rolled my eyes. The next one? Who’s thinking about the next one? I want Johnny! But I couldn’t have him; he didn’t want me. You can’t force someone to love and desire you. Trust me, I’ve tried. When I finally realized it was time to move on to the next, I let my friends wise words sink in.

Don’t take out what the last one did to you on the next one.

That’s difficult. When heartbroken over and over again we expect and assume the worst out of people – in my case, men. Often it’s a defensive mechanism to protect ourselves. Yet as tough as we pretend to be, as tough as I’ve pretended to be, we still want the guy we long for to call us. We still flinch when the phone buzzes and perk up when a man who looks just like him walks through the door of the bar where you met.

I did all this and more after heartbreak. I also blamed the next guy for what the last guy did. I held my heart close to my chest and refused to give an ounce of blood. I became hardened, and when a nice guy came along – one that treated me like I deserved – I pushed him away. I took it all out on him and the next and the next, until I had no more to give and they could take no more.

That’s the thing with holding anger and sadness close to your heart. Guarding it like it’s the last piece of chocolate on earth. We breathe and become CONTEMPT. Our grudge pours through our pores. We reek of bitterness, betrayal, fear and heartache. And the next one, he’ll reject you because he knows you’ll take it all out on him, that he’ll be your emotional punching bag. No matter what he does and how much he loves you, well, it won’t matter.

This is what happened to me at 27, 28 and 29 – right after Johnny. In fact, I stumbled for many years. Until it hit me: I have to fight this battle myself; I have to stop blaming men, my childhood, my father’s abandonment; I have to do the work all on my own.

MORE: Men and Their Breakup Melodrama

Once I did I was finally free to love again, to love healthily. And I didn’t take it out on the next one.

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Sujeiry is a natural storyteller, dynamic radio show host and the proud CEO of LoveSujeiry.com. She's been at this digital media and content creation game for 15 plus years and pours her heart and soul onto LoveSujeiry.com - the only site for Latinas on all things love. After realizing there was a void in the love/relationship Latina media market, she took matters into her own hands and became the go-to sex and relationship expert on Latinx platforms. The former sex and relationship expert on Latina.com works diligently and passionately to encourage women of color to be their authentic selves as they navigate all things love.

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