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Dear Ex Boyfriend: I Hate You, I Love You, I Don’t Know!

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Dear Ex Boyfriend: I Hate You, I Love You, I Don’t Know!

A slighted millennial has something to say about her ex bae. Plus, some Twitter stalking.

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual ex-boyfriends or their rebounds is purely coincidental. The author is merely commenting on the extent of consumerism in the modern American mentality and satirizing the stereotypical obsessive teenage girl, which she claims is far from her own character!

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

When you’re unhappy with a purchase, do you write a poor review on Yelp or call the business? You’ll get better results by talking to the company. They know it’s harder to acquire a new customer than to resolve your issue. I feel that publicly pointing out the failures in your “customer service” will be a valuable experience for both of us.

A Forbes writer calls Twitter a “hit-or-miss weapon” against bad service and claims my “140-character complaint could incite a speedy remedy from Corporate.” After we broke up, you wanted a ride to some girl’s party—I should’ve stranded you in the middle of the WynneHood and composed an ironic tweet right then and there. I often consider tweeting about you, but I’m afraid my 77 followers will judge me, blue screens illuminating smirks and half-empty bags of Lay’s.

PLUS: #SingleBecause: 13 Reasons Why You’re Single Says Twitter

The reason you gave for ending our relationship was you wanted me to be “a good friend before your girlfriend.” But that’s not how I operate; I go 0-100 real quick with guys and befriend them as we date. But you say you “could see us together in six months?” No! If you want me, you gotta hold on to me. Let’s go to Antarctica in my personal helicopter so I can leave you there with nothing and come back six months later: “Hey, babe. Long time no see!” By then, you’ll either be: a) cryogenically preserved like the frozen dinosaur found in Siberia that reanimated and Superman later defeated with a suspension bridge OR b) fully assimilated into Eskimo society, hella cute in a furry hood and drinking a whale blubber cappuccino.

The Forbes article says to review the “warranties” and “policies” of the offending company. So I reviewed your past relationships. I didn’t know your romantic history, so I just Twitter-stalked the girl you took to Formal. I spent 45 minutes scrolling through her emo-hot-girl angst but the feed only showed content from mid-February on! So much wasted emotional energy, bro. Well, my sort-of friend said you asked her to prom but I already have a date so it’s not like I care….

Anyway, the sort-of-friend thinks y’all aren’t actually dating but idk if I can trust her; apparently Ms. Formal asked my other friend if it was weird that I wanted to know whether you two were together. NO, IT’S NOT WEIRD! I GUARANTEE YOU CHECK UP ON YOUR EXES, TOO, BECAUSE EVERY GIRL DOES. DON’T LIE TO YOURSELF, HONEY.

MORE: 6 Rules of Facebook Creeping a Man You’re Dating

Look, I’m just wondering if you still care about me—HER, I meant her! Because if you’re tryna hit it I ain’t gonna bite if you still have feels for her, ya dig? I know it’s just a spring break hook-up, but you’re totally not worth screwing my boyfriend over for if you’re not like, 300% committed to me, baby.

Not yours,

Me

Carlina Green is a girl with a vision in her mind and a Pilot pen in her hand! She's a pure Latinga: white by nature and Latina by nurture. Next year, she plans to continue her study of Spanish (in Buenos Aires) and is currently in pursuit of fluency and happiness. Carlina is a part of the Millennial generation but appreciates snail mail much more than social media and turning paper pages more than digital ones. She's a poet and essayist who writes with alternating sincerity and humor.

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