When I was in graduate school, I fell in love with a boy named Elijah. At 21 years old, he was 5 years my junior (but old enough to buy me draaaanks). I loved him so; I was sure he was “it.” I can also say that he may have been my first love. He was definitely the first man that loved me and genuinely desired to build a life with me. Until something shocking happened and we broke up. You’ll have to read what that something is in my book, Love Trips. The saga is all there.
When we were o-v-e-r, OVER! I was devastated. So much so that I sobbed salty tears and covered Mami’s shoulder with snot. That was the first time I had ever turned to Mami when heartbroken. She’d worry too much, or simply damn all men on Earth to hell. Because “los hombres no sirven!” (Yes, mother, all men deserve to be thrown into the trash and we should all become lesbians.) And the last thing I want to hear when already curled into a ball is negativity.
But, Mami did say something that struck a chord:
A man should always love a woman more.
In that moment, I didn’t understand quite what she meant. Was she suggesting I date a man who I had no feelings for? How do you know if a man loves you more anyway? And, if a man does love a woman more, does that mean that said woman is settling?
I’ve chewed on this and now I understand where Mami was coming from. Here are some of the reasons why you should be with a man who loves you more:
To protect your heart.
If you love a man more, you’ll suffer more. That’s what Angy, 37, from the Bronx heard from her mother. “My mom feels that I’m the type that’s gives a relationship too much when in love and I shouldn’t,” she said. “In her opinion, the man should outdo himself emotionally, physically and every other way,” she continued, “so I don’t suffer as much if he leaves because I didn’t love him more.” So, one of the reasons that a woman should commit to a man who loves her more is self-protection.
Easier to let go.
Relationships fall apart. People break up. If your man loves you more, you can move on that much more quickly. “It’s easy to grow bitter when a man leaves you and you [feel like you’ve] given up your hopes and dreams,” Angy explained. That anger simmers because you loved him so. Healing then becomes a challenge.
Women are naturally more nurturing.
At least that’s what Jenny’s boss said. “She was much older and always use to give me random advice,” said the 26 year old from Boston. “She told me, ‘always make sure the man loves you more,’ because women for the most part are naturally nurturing and give their all to their lovers – it’s just in our DNA!” True. Many women just can’t help but go that extra mile emotionally when in a relationship. Once a man is putty in your hands, you’ve got him hooked.
To make sure he is sure.
Sometimes women desire security. They need to be reassured that the man they are with will stay put. So, women build a relationship with a man who loves them more. “This mentality deters you from going after someone who isn’t totally in or who is unsure,” Joanna, 36, from NJ mentioned. “If you are with someone who ‘loves you more’ then you are both invested.” If you are both invested, there is less chance of heartbreak and break downs.
You feel worshiped.
Ah, yes! There are some women who desire and even expect to be put up on a pedestal when in a relationship. “It gives a (false) sense of security, confidence, high self-esteem and sort of empowerment because your man worships you and is possibility treating you like a queen,” said Lilly, 37, from NYC. “I’ve been in a relationship like that and the opposite (where I loved the man more),” Lily continued, “and I can’t say I liked either one any better.”
As much as it sounds like the perfect scenario – to be loved more – there is a chance that you will be less invested in the relationship. Personally, I love hard. I have always desired a man to love me just as much. Because when the passion and love isn’t somewhat equal, someone will end up on their mommas shoulder, weeping about what was and cursing mankind.