In the movie The Cable Guy, Chip Douglas (Jim Carrey) goes coo coo for Stewart (Matthew Broderick), his new BFF (in his head). It’s a great dark comedy but what happens when life imitates art, and you suddenly realize you’re dating a Stage 5 Clinger like Chip Douglas? It’s the absolute worst dating experience ever.
For me, it all happened so fast. I was on a movie date one minute and in a committed relationship the next. Only I hadn’t agreed to a relationship status change. Next thing you know I’m at work and my coworker walks over to me to tell me, “Hey Tab, some guy is standing by your car with flowers.” I didn’t know whether to be flattered or get a restraining order. He then followed his bold display of attention by telling me that his lease was almost up, and he didn’t know where he was moving yet. Well, it ain’t with me!
As I said, a needy man is no good! Dating one can be intense and just annoying. Do you want to know if your guy is a Stage 5 Clinger? Check out these signs.
Rapid Fire Texting
Is your phone vibrating so much you feel like you secretly have a pocket rocket in your pants? You answer one text with a casual response and he replies with five long texts, recounting the saga of the day or how he cannot stop thinking about you. Unless the long-whinded texts and neediness are mutual, this is not normal behavior in the beginning of a relationship. Play it cool man!
Desperately Seeking the Next Date
I have a busy social calendar. I also don’t want to come across to men as easily available. So I don’t agree to a second date directly after the first. Captain Clingy will not respect these boundaries and will push every single day for a second date. The more desperate he becomes, the more extravagant the dates. He has no life or focus other than you, and you will be able to sense his obsession.
I’ll Find You – Checking In
If someone is always trying to find out, when, where and who you are with after only one date, that’s a red flag. Even worse: he questions the validity of your statements, like, “Are you really at the mall? You don’t want to end up on “Cheaters” to explain to America that you aren’t really in a relationship with this psycho, right?
Family and Friend Facebook Requests
Yes, this actually happens! You have gone on one date and this guy’s family and friends are sending you friend requests. You even begin receiving messages stating “you are all he’s talking about” and “you will fit in with the family so well.” You better adjust your privacy settings fast! Restrict who can send you friend requests for a little while before you have a second family!
Need a Title Now
You’ve only been on one date and he’s already pushing for a title. Uh, absolutely not. You don’t even know this guy! Pushing for a title this quickly is a huge sign of insecurity. Imagine meeting his friends, and he introduces you as his girlfriend. They ask how long you’ve been dating and you reply, “Oh…about two days.” Can we say weird? Before you let someone talk you into a title, get to know them.
If the man or woman you are dating is exhibiting one of these signs, you need to rethink this relationship. Cause his Cable Guy-style neediness and clininess may just mean he’s cray.