I had a long history of attracting complicated people and relationships. In college, there was Penelope, a strong-willed Puerto Rican with twinkling eyes, a long mane, and a fiery personality. Her triggers included: me being too picky with food, me sleeping in and skipping classes, me, me, me, me, me.
Even still, we became great friends. Despite butting heads like two rams on a field, I cherished our friendship. Even when she wasn’t a fan of Sujeiry.
Why did I stay in this relationship? Because I admired her beauty, ambition, and her strength. And the attention she received from every man in the room no matter what room she entered. I wanted to learn from her. I wanted to absorb those great qualities. But when P came at me (or anyone for that matter) she bit as viciously as a rabid dog.
This has been a pattern for me. Every once in a while I let someone in that doesn’t accept me and embrace me for me, and wants to either change me and my ways or fight me and hold a grudge. I attracted relationships that were difficult and taxing because I could be difficult and taxing. I attracted people who wanted to change me because I felt that who I am wasn’t enough; I felt that I needed to be changed. I attracted those who criticized me and picked at my personality because I engaged in negative self-talk.
How did I turn it around? I’ll tell you. Here are 6 ways to have easy and uncomplicated relationships.
Discover what these relationships provide. They do give you something. Maybe you thrive on the drama and instability, or you feel the way that I did and don’t think you deserve more. Whatever the reason you must become aware of it. That way you stop attracting this kind of relationship.
Connect the dots. Ask yourself: why am I allowing myself to be treated like this? What does that say about me and how I feel about myself? Find the answers and you’ll know better next time.
Let go of those relationships to make way for new ones. It isn’t easy, I know. When I love someone I hang on for dear life, even if they aren’t good for me or don’t want me in their life anymore. One way to let go is to say all that you have to say for closures sake. Email, meet up, text: no matter how you communicate, express yourself.
Don’t hold a grudge. If you do, that energy will attract vengeful, hard, and complicated people. Be easy and open because that’s who you want around you.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. That’s my favorite Maya Angelou quote. I say it now because you already know the type of person you attract. When you meet someone with qualities that raises your antenna, step back. If he or she feels familiar, that’s because you’ve met this person before but in a different body. Call a spade a spade, and don’t look for anything more than what people reveal.
Don’t build a relationship with someone who you don’t feel is your equal. This is where I failed with Penelope and other friendships and relationships. We admire some people and they make us better, and that’s amazing. That’s how I feel about Boo. We admire other people and want to emulate them because we don’t feel we’re as good as them. Think of it like this: the popular girl in high school decides to be your friend. You feel so honored, but do they cherish you? Are you just part of their entourage? Do they feel you are replacable? Would they cut you off because of a misunderstanding? Of course they would. That’s not a relationship that you need, want, or deserve.
Know you are great just as you are. When you do, you will attract open, uncomplicated and easy relationships with those who see you, accept you, and love you as is.