Imagine having PMS times 100. That’s what it feels like to have PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). While “normal” women feel a little bloating, some cramping and lethargy during their menstrual cycle, I get extreme anxiety and fatigue, wild mood swings, debilitating migraines, hot flashes, severe back cramping, chronic nausea, and insomnia for two weeks out of every month. With so much going on with me hormonally, it’s no wonder it affects my romantic relationships.
Sometimes, I can feel so sucky that I am very irritable and impatient with my loved ones. Other times, I don’t want to be around anyone let alone be touched. I remember one time when my then boyfriend leaned into kiss me; I felt so irritated that I refused. I refused to show any kind of affection and felt disgusted at the thought of even kissing him. How I felt internally was bleeding onto him.
In turn, Chad didn’t believe I wanted to be with him. I struggled to find the words to explain to him that my crazy PMDD turned me into a psycho bitch every month. A part of me was ashamed that I allowed my hormones to take control, but I never knew how to manage it. These crazy moments pushed Chad further away. We broke up after four years when I found his profile on an online dating site.
I do not blame myself for his cheating, but I am partly to blame for our demise because of the way I treated him and how I constantly shut down. Had I just been honest with what I was dealing with every month, and how it truly was ME and not HIM, I think there would have been less friction in the relationship. And, like my friend, Jamil, said to me, perhaps I should have given him the opportunity to be there for me through my rough times. What an amazing concept! It didn’t occur to me that a man would offer his support rather than his judgement. I learned that I had to give grown men more credit. I judge myself so much that I automatically assumed the guy I was with would judge me too.
It’s been seven years since my last relationship and I am managing my moods through antidepressants. I have vowed that in my next relationship I won’t allow myself to get in the way of love. I will be honest and let him offer his support even if I fear being vulnerable. If he truly cares for me, whoever he is, he won’t reject me even when Aunt Flow rejects him.