I have been single for seven years after being ghosted by every man I have been in a relationship with. My ex is married now. Which is funny because he used to say he was afraid of marriage. Maybe he was just afraid to marry me. Needless to say, he more than moved on. Because, well, he ended our relationship without any wounds to heal. He ghosted me and left me feeling ejected, duped and clueless.
When he vanished I analyzed every conversation we ever had and everything I ever did to cause him to just up and disappear. I still have so many questions as to what went wrong, or why he didn’t have the decency to talk to me about it before disappearing.
“Did he find someone else? Was he cheating? Was I just not good enough? What did I do?”
Not having closure has left me empty. It’s been seven years since he ghosted and the wound has yet to heal. Although I believe I am being open to new connections and a relationship, year after year, I have yet to feel a spark with any man. Not a glimpse, glimmer or hope. Any chance of fireworks is snuffed out before the firecrackers blow the hell up and light up the sky.
I’ve been telling myself that I am just picky, but I’m realizing that my choosiness is hindering me from meeting a man. I don’t need to settle with just anyone who comes along, but I also shouldn’t keep my distance from men and shut myself off from love. Thing is I am too afraid to let anyone in. That’s why, since my ex, all the men that I’ve “dated” live in a different state. A long distance relationship makes me feel safe when shit goes wrong. Well, he’s over there and I’m over here – it’s OK if it doesn’t work out, I rationalize. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case; it doesn’t make me immune from hurt.
Just this last year I was involved in another long-distance situationship. We spoke every day over the phone. I began to let my guard down and felt close enough to say, “Let’s pursue things further.” He agreed and we made plans to meet in January of next year (2018). Other plans were also in the works.
“I can’t wait to see you next month,” he expressed just a few days ago.
That night I text him per usual but he didn’t respond. I began to freak out. We didn’t argue, I thought. Things are fine. Maybe something happened to him, maybe he is hurt.
I went on his Facebook page and there he was. Not dead. Just ghosted.
This catapulted me back to my ex and how he ghosted. And the relationship before that where he also ghosted me. I felt duped yet again by someone who I thought cared for me. This has triggered my anxiety and my depression.
It’s almost 2018, the end of another year where I am single, and I realize I am still broken. My self-esteem is tattered, filled with holes. And I haven’t a clue how to fill them.