I’ve been single for 7 years because every guy I’ve ever dated has ghosted me. My ex is married now, which is funny because he used to say he was afraid of marriage. Maybe he was just afraid to marry me.
Needless to say, he more than moved on and left me feeling rejected and duped.
When he vanished I analyzed every conversation we ever had and everything I ever did to cause him to just up and disappear. I had so many questions as to what went wrong, or why he didn’t have the decency to talk to me about it before disappearing. “Did he find someone else? Was he cheating? Was I just not good enough? What did I do for him to ghost me?”
Not having closure has been difficult, and although it’s been 7 years since he ghosted me, my wounds have yet to heal. I am terrified to open up again emotionally, make new connections, and to enter a new, romantic relationship. Year after year, I meet men and feel a glimmer of hope only to retreat again for fear of ending up broken again. So, is it me? Maybe. I’ve been telling myself that I am just too picky, but I’m realizing that my choosiness is more for my own protection. And it’s hindering me from meeting a man. I shouldn’t settle, but I also shouldn’t shut myself off from love.
How do I open up? I am too afraid to let anyone in. That’s why, since my ex ghosted me, all the men that I’ve “dated” live in a different state. A long-distance relationship feels safer when shit goes South. He’s over there and I’m over here, it’s OK if it doesn’t work out, I rationalize. In the end, that’s not the case. The physical distance doesn’t immunize me from hurt. Just this last year I was involved in another long-distance situationship. We spoke every day over the phone and I began to let my guard down.
“Let’s pursue things further,” I said boldly.
“I can’t wait to see you next month,” he expressed.
I felt elated and texted him the next night as I always did, but he didn’t respond that night or the next or the next. I freaked out, my mind raced to try to rationalize his deafening silence. We didn’t argue, I thought. Things are fine, I reassured myself. Maybe something happened to him, maybe he is hurt. I finally caved and went on his Facebook page and there he was – not dead.
This experience catapulted me back to my now married ex who ghosted me. And the relationship before that, which ended with another disappearance. I felt duped yet again by someone who I thought cared for me. And I realize that I am still broken. My self-esteem is tattered, filled with holes. And I haven’t a clue how to fill it.
Written by Jeanine