Ah, the sound of the Love Island announcer gives me tingles down there. I don’t know what he looks like, but his tone, his humor, and his sarcasm stirs my loins! Keep your half-naked hotties, Love Island, I want some Matthew Hoffman! Phew! Now that I got that out of my system it’s time to meet the singles of Season 2’s Love Island USA. Onto my first Love Island recap!
Love Island Recap Season 2, Episode 1: Let’s Hear It for The Girls
The first contestant is Olivia, an adventurous Alaskan and self-proclaimed Black Sheep. She’s a tough cookie and me thinks she’ll break some hearts (and I’ll report back on every Love Island recap). As for Cashay AKA Cash (dollar dollar bill y’all cause I can’t help myself), she is a waitress from NYC who is learning to embrace her natural beauty. She’s walking around with her head shaved and I love her confidence! Also, Cash hasn’t been touched in so long. We’re twinsies!
Up next is Kyra, a Hawain Covid Relief worker that lives in a bikini, loves physical touch. (It’s her love language, y’all). She’s been single for 3 years so….Cash, Kyra, and I are triplets.
Shannon is a flirty, party animal that likes to be in control. She’s going to have the boys wrapped around her finger, just watch. Trina (not the rapper) is a nurse and party girl by night claiming to spot relationship red flags. She seems a little guarded due to heartbreak.
Where My Boys At?
Josh is an athlete from Haverhill, MA, my old stomping grounds. (I was raised in Lawrence which is one town over!) I’m already over him using athletic terms like, “shot stop to second base.” I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!
Or maybe it’s just me because Shannon, Trina, and Kyra all step forward. He chooses to couple up with Shannon.
Korey runs in with a tatted up body ody ody and seems like a sweet guy. He says he rather date than hoe around. And yet no woman steps forward for my boy, Korey! He decides to couple up with Kyra. Aaaw, Korey and Kyra! Now, all we need is another K to walk in and make this an entirely different reality TV show!
The Reality TV Show Gods hear my call because Arielle, the Love Island host, announces Khristian. (It’s actually Christian with a C, I tried!) A bleach blonde surfer from Hawaii, he’s been celibate for 8 months (aaw!) and has slept with 99 girls. (Ew!) He’s looking for the one AKA “the 100th.” Loordt!
So, who steps up for Christian? No one! They can smell the hoeism. I mean, 99 girls? You’re in your 20s! Slow your penis down! And “our favorite member of the bleach boys,” courtesy of my boyfriend (the announcer) chooses Trina. And I choose Javonny and his dangling, George Michael-inspired dangling earring. The real estate agent from NYC comes in with a splash, yet no woman steps forward. He couples up with Olivia and immediately states, “What Amazon she from?” Corny AF. I rebuke you!
It’s obvious that these women are underwhelmed. Until Jeremy walks in. Jeremy. A personal trainer from NY. A man with luscious locks. A man that was almost married. A man that was just heartbroken. A hopeless romantic. A man whose parents have an amazing relationship. A man who’s looking for a girl to marry! And I paid attention to all this because he’s hot! So hot that Trina, Kyra, and Cash (finally) step up for a chance to run their fingers through his hair. Jeremy steals Trina which means Cash gets stuck with Christian. This shall be interesting since Cash keeps mentioning that Christian needs meat on his bones. Talk about killing Christian (not with a K’s) confidence!
Now it’s time to mingle! As Ariel Winter walks away and my future boyfriend (Mark, the announcer) steals my heart with another joke, Christine complements Cash and her natural hair. This is the first time she hasn’t worn a wig. I am proud of her for going on national television to share this message of self-love. As for Josh, he is goo goo ga ga over Shannon, who is exactly his type. Kyra keeps saying she’s “scared” of Korey because she’s afraid he’ll break her heart. (Girl, stop, you just met him.) Jeremy’s locks are so amazing that they make Trina cry during her confessional? Nah, she’s weeping because Jeremy is such a nice guy and she’s afraid to get hurt (foreshadowing).
Jovanny likes to be challenged and sees Olivia as a grown woman that’s hard to get. Actions speak louder than words, so you better bring it, Jo Jo! He sure a talker. Takes one to know one.
And now….primping montage! Dancing montage! “I love you” girl montage! Josh gushing over Shannon montage! Shannon breaking it to Josh that she is open to meeting other guys montage? Oh, everyone but Josh, who continues to flirt hard, saw this coming. Shannon is afraid of Stage 5 Clingers (foreshadowing). Josh, you in danger, boy.
Trina is right behind Josh because she’s practically in lurve. She hops on Jeremy and rides him while giving him a passionate kiss during the Love Island’s legendary Suck and Blow game. Speaking of games, here come two new men: Will, a sexy Colombiano who’s full of good stuff (his words, not mine), and Cinco, a former football player who’s a big teddy bear (his words not mine). We shall see, Cinco! And we shall see what women Will and Cinco steal on next week’s episode!