Another Monday night means another two hours where I am glued to my television set watching The Bachelor. Last night did not disappoint. There was booze, talk of straddling, more booze and a few breakdowns. And, of course, first dates where women fall in love with Juan Pablo!
So, let’s get right to it. The first woman to be bestowed the honor of a one-on-one date was Clare. She was giddy. Super giddy. Like a school girl.
Their first date was a Winter Wonderland in Los Angeles complete with sled rides and snow. It was sweet. A little too sweet. As soon as Clare uttered the same words all female contestants of The Bachelor utter, I wanted to gag.
— Sujeiry (@LoveSujeiry) January 14, 2014
I don’t know if these women realize that Juan Pablo doesn’t pay for these dates. He also doesn’t brainstorm these ideas. It’s all production, ladies! But you keep falling in love after three hours with a man. It’s The Bachelor way!
His second one-on-one date of the evening was with Kat. They went on a run, which is so great for intimate time. Or, as Juan Pablo would say, “Ay! I want to have fuuuun!” What’s up with that “ay”, JP? I get you’re Latino. I am also. But most Latinos I know don’t say, “Ay,” every five minutes. You’re leading America to believe Latinos have a terrible vocabulary!
Next up is the star of this episode: Victoria. She went bonkers. She drank. She waded in the pool with drink in hand. She slurred her words and wished Juan Pablo a terrible death while sobbing in a bathroom stall. But not before she said she was the Queen of Straddling and couldn’t wait to straddle Juan Pablo because we should all straddle something in life. While you’re at it, do the “hymen maneuver.” Her words, not mine.
So, she did not get “this rose.” Victoria’s only parting gift was a guaranteed lashing on Twitter. He sent her packing before the rose ceremony because she is not a role model for Valentina. Hey, Juan Pablo, neither is Lucy, the professional Free Spirit that is always booty butt nekkid.
Yes, Lucy made it another round. As did Cassandra after having a breakdown because she misses her two-year-old son. Renee, the Momma Bear of this season of The Bachelor, also made the cut. And one brown girl down! Chantel was sent home. Sorry you won’t have the opportunity to fall in love with Juan Pablo in three hours, girl.