When we are at the brink of an ‘aha’ moment we often make excuses to sabotage the process. We get defensive. We get angry. We block ourselves from moving forward and digging deep.
I self-sabotaged my relationships most of my adult life. By not speaking up. By not being me. By pretending to be the woman the men I dated and “loved” wanted me to be. By confusing lust for love. By chasing unattainable men emotionally and, sometimes, literally.
I did all of these very bad things because I didn’t want to face the truth: it all starts with me.
This…was learned behavior. Mami has always struggled with personal growth. As in, she thinks she’s perfect and doesn’t have to do any internal work. I don’t believe I am perfect – far from it. In fact, I am usually way too hard on myself. Not Mami. Noooooooo! She good.
What I did learn from Mami was how to make excuses for my behavior and how to stay in the negative. What I learned was to point the finger at everyone (the guys I dated, the dating market in NYC, how whack everyone was) and everything (my neighborhood, my environment, my history). And I’m doing it again. I began with me and went back to what I know – not taking accountability.
This is what I do when we are at the brink of growth. This is what you do when you are so close to a breakthrough. We run scared and try to fuck it up.
I ain’t trying to fuck this up.
By this, I mean my relationship. I am now taking accountability for:
1. Not pulling my weight. Yes, this fierce go-getter me can be super lazy and act like a straight-up sloth. I have moments where I am as driven as a CEO that has it all on the line, and other moments where I just lay there…like this…
2. Not being clear. When I met Boo, I thought I was clear on what I wanted and needed in a relationship. (It’s two different things!) I thought I knew how I needed and wanted to be loved. I didn’t, so we ran into trouble because we had and have two different and sometimes opposing views on partnership and what love is. We are better now because we have both done some internal work. We are better, but we still have work to do.
3. Not being fully me. When I met Boo I subconsciously hid things about me to him. Things I am ashamed of. Things I didn’t want to admit not even to myself. I wanted Boo to want me and love me, and I feared that he wouldn’t want me and love me if I wasn’t perfect.
Ah, we are back to perfection. Maybe if I was more like Mami (who, haven’t you heard? Is perfect!) I would be and reveal all of me – take it or leave it.
Thing is I can only be me. You can only be you. The only way to grow and learn and become better for yourself and your partner is to be yourself and stop making excuses. You have to work on yourself even when you’re shook, even when you’re angry, even when you don’t know who you are.
It’s the only way to attain that good love.