My friend introduced me to her brother and he was stationed in California. We maintained a friendship by phone for about 4 months. He then came to town post deployment for about 2.5 weeks and stayed with me. Sparks flew. There was a great connection and he was such a gentleman.
He left and I promised to write him every day while he was gone. We talked about things we would do when he came home. There was an understanding without an understanding that there might be a relationship when he came back. He did mention once that he was glad we were not in a relationship because he was leaving, but it didn’t make sense with how he was treating me. It felt so right, so perfect.
We messaged back and forth via Facebook while he was gone and he called me three times in his first month and a half of his deployment. I had friends back home telling me that he should call or write more but I know guys go through a lot in Afghanistan.
He had mentioned one of his ex-girlfriends had cheated on him. I wanted him to know that I would never do that and if he felt as strongly towards me as I did towards him. So I sent him a message and asked if he could call me more than once every 2.5 weeks so that I can feel assured that he felt the same way. I also told him that while he was deployed I had been keeping busy by running and going out with my girlfriends, passing the time until he came home. His response:
”So you want to know if we’re in a relationship so that you can go get other dick? It’s whatever. Do whatever you want. I don’t care.”
After that I wrote him a long letter apologizing for being selfish and asking him to call more and that I didn’t want any other man. I continued to send him messages, letters and care packages until the end of his deployment. No response. He came home last month and he told a mutual friend that he’s not ready to face me.
What did I do to him? Why isn’t he ready to face me? My heart aches because I lost a great friendship and I have no closure. I felt something so real for someone and they just cut me off. What happened?
Confused and Hurt Almost a Year Later Later
Dear Confused and Hurt Almost a Year Later Later,
I am sorry that you are going through this confusing time. I’ve been there, and no matter how short the relationship, no matter what the status, it is much more difficult to move on when we don’t know what happened. When a man just disappears and refuses to communicate, it is that much harder to heal.
Still, these words stood out to me.
“There was an understanding without an understanding that there might be a relationship when he came back.”
This was an assumption. As women we mistake affection and good behavior as commitment or a desire to commit. Just because he treated you like his girlfriend doesn’t mean you were his girlfriend. He even said he was glad you were not in a relationship because he was leaving.
There it is. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
Blame it on his trust issues or that his ex cheated or even his time in Afghanistan. These are all excuses. I say find your own closure. Send him another email, a letter, a text. Let it all out how ever you wish. You can choose to send it along or keep it. And stop beating yourself up over telling him you have a life. Even if he took it the wrong way, his response was disrespectful. So much for being a gentleman, right?
Bottom line, you can’t force him to communicate. If he wants to, he will. That’s when you decide if you want to hear him out. That’s the only thing you have control over.
Love strongly and wisely,
Photo Credit: Flickr/Wing-Mui.