Ay Dios mio! do I have a dilemma for you!
I am currently ‘talking to’ (involved with) a young man who lives in another state. We met last year, and it began as a fling, except for the fact that he has most, if not all, of the characteristics and qualities I would want in a man. We both now have greater feelings for one another. In May, he asked me to be his girlfriend, but I did not think that would be a good idea then.
Recently, however, we have professed to one another that we do, in fact, love each other (!!!) and we are no longer talking to/ dating other people. I would now like to be his girlfriend, to make it official and be committed to him, however he is unsure. Although he claims that I am his ideal girl and that he cares for me just as much as I care for him, he says he needs to think about it–the distance and how this may affect us.
I, on the other hand, don’t think that distance matters much…we have been able to see each other in the past and I would visit him more if he were my boyfriend, rather than if we were just two people claiming to love one another, but not officially committing to one another. I told him that I am not asking him to marry me, move, or think about our future together, but he is still unsure.
Now I am beginning to think that I should just tell him to forget about it…and forget about him. I don’t want to pressure him into being with me, but I don’t want to continue just loving him and not being with him (as much as I can). What should I do?
Distanced and Confused
Dear Distanced and Confused,
About long distance relationships…some work, some don’t. It all depends on where you want it to go and who is willing to make the sacrifice to shorten the distance. And lets face it. Moving to another state, starting a new life in the name of love – it is a sacrifice. A sacrifice that may or may not work. But isn’t it terribly romantic (I’m truly thinking of Sleepless in Seattle now) either way?
In love, we have to take risks. If we really feel that the person we are with, close by or not, is the one we want to grow with, learn with and be happy with then why not take the plunge?! And lets face it – you will probably be the one taking the plunge. Women are usually a lot more self-sacrificial then men. We’re more adaptable and can build relationships and engage with others much more quickly. Things that bode well when you move to a new place and start over.
One thing that does worry me is his “insecurity”. Not because I think he’s full of shit (most folks don’t have a full blown long distance relationship if they aren’t serious) but because it means he’s scared of committing fully. Ok, he wants you to be his girlfriend and says he loves you, but deciding to commit to someone who is long distance eventually brings along the M word – marriage. Most people don’t move to another state because of a relationship if they didn’t see or want that marriage. So maybe he’s unsure because he doesn’t know if you’re his future wife. Maybe he loves you but the thought of committing to someone, to that idea, without really living day to day with the person is freaking him out. It’s understandable and I don’t think he’ s a bad person – just cautious. So my final advice is to you is to do what my sister did who was also in a long distance relationship. Her boyfriend just recently moved from Seattle to be with my sister in NY – big distance! Before they took that step, however, my sister telecommuted for work 2 weeks out of the month for about 6 months. This allowed her to live life with him, and not just the fairy tale and honeymoon. She had the flexibility of her job, which helped, and I’m not sure what you’re work life is like, but if you can do something like this then give it a try. My sister and her boyfriend are very happy so maybe you’re faith will be the same. Just remember – where there’s a will, there’s a way!
Love strongly and wisely,