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Ask Sujeiry: Insecure Love

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Ask Sujeiry: Insecure Love

Distraught WomanDear Sujeiry,

So, I’ve been dating someone for 8 months. Everything has been great, a few lows like in every other relationship. However, recently he got a new job. He gets off late so I can’t see him and he wakes up late just in time to get to work. I try not to make a big deal about not seeing him a lot but we’ve always been so close; it’s weird not seeing him all the time and it doesn’t make it any better that I have to work and our schedules clash. Now, I’m getting all these insecurities that he’s going to find someone else or his feelings for me are going to change so I’ve been really defensive lately and insecure.  I don’t know what to do.  Help???!!

Sincerely,

Insecure Love

Dear Insecure Love,

I know exactly where you’re coming from.  Not too long ago, I felt very neglected by my boyfriend. We stopped spending as much time together, and, like you, I was used to having a certain amount of quality time. Eventually, I ended the relationship; he just wasn’t meeting my needs. I’m not suggesting you do the same, especially since your issues are less about neglect and more about having to adjust to change.

Change. It is a part of life and always interferes with relationships. His new job and schedule is the current change that neither of you can control. You can, however, compromise. You say he gets out very late and sleeps in. Why not meet him at his apartment and sleep over? In the morning, you can both get breakfast. This is what I used to do with a former boyfriend who was a bartender. Yes, he was exhausted. He was home by 4am! But he really wanted that time with me so he made himself available. And that’s what you have to ask him.  Does he want to make time for you? Is he willing to invest in your relationship? You are his girlfriend. He should also feel the need to spend more time with you.

I can go on and on about creative ways to get that quality time, but it will be futile to do so if he’s not a willing and able party in this relationship. Your insecurities are stemming from your need. It isn’t a bad thing. You just have to be careful how you express this need, or else he’ll classify you a dramatic, needy, insecure girlfriend. Once that occurs most men push women away. A wall is up and he shuts down. And you don’t want that. So my advice is simple. Speak to your boyfriend calmly, logically. Express your desire to spend more time with him, despite schedule. Tell him you understand that things have changed but you feel its dire for your relationship to adjust to this change as smoothly as possible. Suggest some of the ideas I presented to you in this post and brainstorm some more. I also wrote a post about how to balance life and all that comes with it for couples. It is called How To Make Time For Your Relationship. If he is open, then great. If he is resistant and seems unmoved by your ideas, then give him some time (a few weeks not months) to think things over. Ultimately, if things remain the same, you will grow apart and become angry and much more needy and insecure. That is not a healthy life or a healthy relationship so then you ask yourself. Is this worth it?

The choice will ultimately be up to you.

Love strongly and wisely,

Sujeiry, 1st Lady of Love

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Sujeiry is a natural storyteller, dynamic radio show host and the proud CEO of LoveSujeiry.com. She's been at this digital media and content creation game for 15 plus years and pours her heart and soul onto LoveSujeiry.com - the only site for Latinas on all things love. After realizing there was a void in the love/relationship Latina media market, she took matters into her own hands and became the go-to sex and relationship expert on Latinx platforms. The former sex and relationship expert on Latina.com works diligently and passionately to encourage women of color to be their authentic selves as they navigate all things love.

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