I’m 42 and separated from my 34 year old husband. We have been together for 14 years. He has cheated on me five times. I even found out he slept with his 18 year old sister-in-law and her baby might be his. What’s worse: my mom knew about all this and never told me.
I don’t understand why he keeps doing this to me. I can’t trust anybody anymore and I feel so undesirable. Should I file for divorce? I want to hurt him so much like he hurt me. What can I do?
Dear Broken Down,
First off, I am so sorry to here about your pain. Being cheated on is the worst betrayal, and you’ve been cheated on multiple times and been betrayed by not only your husband but your mother as well. So what can you do? You definitely need to file for divorce. Run to divorce court as soon as you finish reading this post. This man is toxic. This relationship is toxic. And what should we do with toxic people and circumstances? Throw them out.
You’re anger and self-loathing is also a cause of this toxicity. It’s natural due to the pain you have experienced. So feel the anger and hate but don’t sit with these feelings for too long; if you do, they will continue to consume you.
My suggestion is to find an outlet to release these negative emotions. Find friends to talk to and make you laugh. In a journal, write how feel. Go to a counselor in a community center or church, or a therapist that is paid by your medical insurance. Read self-help books. I especially recommend Yesterday I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant. You can also read my book, Love Trips, to laugh and relate to some of the tough lessons that I had to learn in relationships. Both books dish on self-love and self-discovery. Much like you, Vanzant had a terribly, low self-esteem and didn’t feel worthy of love. I felt the same way at one point in my life and that’s what Love Trips is all about.
Personally, I wrote my book as a way to heal and tell my story. I began taking steps to love myself for who I am and I advice you do the same. Because no one will love you the way you deserve to be loved if you don’t love yourself and know your worth.
Love strongly and wisely,