So I have emailed you before about taking a break from my relationship. Well my break turned into a break-up! He told me I deserved someone who can give me 100% and he wasn’t that person. He said he felt horrible dragging on our relationship when he wasn’t sure what was going on with himself. Work wise, he’s still trying to get to where he wants to be. But here is where I get lost.
He still texts me and looks for me. He tells me he values my friendship. He’s very honest and constantly checks in to make sure I’m okay. He doesn’t use any of our cute pet names anymore. But then he wanted to know if it was still okay to get me the gift he was buying me for Christmas. And he likes having coffee on Sundays and randomly invites me. What does it all mean?
I’m just confused. Something inside wants me to hold on but am I crazy? I have some single friends that tell me to move on. If he comes back deal with it then not now. What do I do? Is this a regular breakup? What’s going on? I would love him back. I just don’t know if it will ever happen.
Not Sure It’s the End
Dear Not Sure It’s the End.
This can be one of two things. Your ex may want to maintain a friendship with you. Or your ex wants to keep you on hold until he figures out his life. So he other just wants to be friends, or he’s putting you “on the shelf.”
What you need to do is take care of you at this moment. You can’t force him to be ready for a relationship. But you can stop putting yourself in situations where you continue to feel confused and hurt. If you can’t handle the relationship as is, which is a relationship that’s in limbo at this point, maybe you need to stop spending time with him. No coffee dates. No texts. Because this is hurting you. So you need to separate yourself from him. You need to tell him that you need your space to heal. Keeping in contact with him at this point isn’t healthy.
Your friends are right. You shouldn’t wait for him. You need to live your life. It doesn’t mean that you should close that door forever but you shouldn’t sit and wait for him to be ready. That day may never come. I know. One of my ex-boyfriend’s told me while he was breaking up with me that he eventually wanted to get back together with me. Keyword: eventually. To me, that was a sign that he still wanted to be with me down the line. But, is that enough? At the time it was for me. It gave me solace and hope. So I hung on, waited for him for eight months. Eventually, we did reunite. But the relationship was a disaster. It was different because he knew that I wanted him so bad that he could walk out of my life again and i’d be there.
I’m not saying your relationship will turn out the same. But please be cognizant of the position that you’re putting yourself in. You deserve more than to wait around for a man to be ready for you. Often I’ve heard that when a man knows he just knows. Right now he doesn’t know. He’s not choosing you. So stop living in the future. All you have is the present. And in this present moment you’re not together and he’s not your man. Let it go. Distance yourself from him. And live your life like a newly single woman.
Love strongly and wisely,
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