I’ve lost her. I’ve lost my muse. And although many artists have experienced a loss of creativity, I’ve never stared at a blank page and thought, what now?
Words once flowed easily from my mind through my mouth to the tip of my fingertips and onto a page on my computer screen as I tapped, tapped, tapped away like a woodpecker atop a tree. Yet, lately, I’ve lost my love for creating due to all the pressure I’ve created for myself regarding success and entrepreneurship. I’ve convinced myself that to do anything BUT be a boss bitch is a failure, which leads me to flutter from project to project, from idea to idea, from business to business, in hopes that something will manifest as quickly as ideas and hopes swirl in my artistic mind.
I’ve lost my muse because I’ve accepted other’s ideals relating to success and joy and who they need me to be. The perception of me, that of a confused, lackadaisical mujer that needs to be reminded of things like a child, has seeped in and filled my heart with fluid. Fluid so heavy it paralyzes me with remorse, guilt, regret and pain. I’ve lost my muse because I’ve conformed to being the woman I think I should be and, in turn, have questioned my very identity. I let it happen.
I take accountability for allowing another to tell me who I need to be – and following suit.
I take accountability for not standing up for myself and saying, “If you don’t like and love me for who I am, there’s the door.” ‘Cause if you don’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love somebody else?
I take accountability for not being savvy enough in entrepreneurship and professionalism to have built a plentiful emergency fund. So that I could leave when diminished, dismissed. When all buttons that trigger my insecurity and fear of abandonment and rejection are pushed – savagely.
I’ve lost my impulsive, funny and raw muse. A muse that calls it like she sees it and doesn’t care to explain herself. A muse who is a ball busting, assertive visionary that won’t stop, don’t stop.
I lost my muse. I lost myself. And I am hoping that with this piece, I will find a piece of her again.