It feels odd to be on the right path. Strange to cross off goals on to-do lists, goals once thought of as unreachable, unattainable. The words on this page may even sound warped to those reading. Shouldn’t I feel joy and fulfillment? What’s with this negativity, Sujeiry?!
Let’s just say I’m experiencing an adjustment period.
I am used to struggling, therefore feel uncomfortable when my desires are met. This is the case in all aspects of my life. I can’t recall how many times I’ve sabotaged romantic relationships with dramatics and drunk dialing. Being loved by a man felt so foreign to me; I didn’t know what else to do but to ruin it. Now, when things are going well, I just feel…odd. I no longer ball up in a corner after way too many Bacardi and Cokes, which I once blamed for all my neediness (now I know it was my abadonment issues). I can’t remember the last time I called, text, or tweeted a man when drunk or to demand something as if I were a bratty child.
So feeling odd about publishing a book (soon…soon), going to BlogHer 2011 (I was sponsored!), managing and writing for LoveSujeiry.com, and, now, interning for La Mega’s El Vacilon, is kind of a good thing. I could do what I once did and ruin it. I could panic when being put on air. I could oversleep and blame outside factors for my irresponsibility and decisions. But I won’t do any of these things. Instead, I am sitting with this feeling, taking life and all its pleasant surprises day by day. Maybe tomorrow I won’t feel so weird. Maybe, just maybe, I will drop my defenses and throw caution out the fire escape.
Because there is no escaping it; I am on the right path.