I’m not sure when I decided to stop pampering myself. But I did. I became frugal, placing a dress back on it’s rack if too pricey. I began setting my own rolos, blow drying my own hair, and waxing my own brows and ‘stache. I only splurged for dinner, drinks, and taxi cabs if in dire circumstances (ie. being harassed by my former stalker.)
It wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time I purchased $120 pair of Brazilian jeans just because and spend hours upon hours dining and drinking. It is my money, after all. I earned every penny, working 9-5/11-7/8-4 since 22 years old. So why has it become so difficult for me to splurge?
On Monday, it became clear.
I was at Fossil on 48th Street and Broadway with my cousin Yahaira, browsing at watches. I had no intention on spending any money. I was there to accompany her not to shop. But then I saw a pair of sunglasses. I needed sunglasses. Good, sophisticated sunglasses. I had just thrown away my pair that very morning. I picked up a pair and saw the price: $45. Ouch! I thought. That’s pricey. Still, I tried them on. I turned around and observed as my cousin tried on watch after watch without hesitation.
I called to her. “How do I look?”
“Those glasses look amazing on you!” She exclaimed. “You should buy them.”
I went back to the mirror. I did look good. And so I decided to splurge. I grabbed the sunglasses and gave them to the sales associate who was helping Yahaira select a watch.
“This would look good on you,” she suggested while handing me a rose gold watch. It shimmered as I placed it on my left wrist. The face was also rose pink. It made me feel feminine and important. The crystals along the face sparkled. “This watch is beautiful…,”I expressed while moving toward the mirror. I took off my red coat and pulled up my sleeve as Yahaira instructed. “That way you can see how great the watch looks,” she coerced. And it looked good. Damn good against my toffee-colored skin.
“I feel like such a woman,” I stated, confident and strong.
“That’s because you are a woman,” Yahaira reassured.
That was it. I was buying the watch. All $105 of it. I gave the watch to the sales associate for sizing. He went back to the display to get a brand new watch for this brand new Sujeiry. But the sales associate handed the same watch I tried on to the cashier. “Only the display watch is available,” the cashier scoffed. I looked at Yahaira who was sizing her own watch at the second cash register. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted the watch but should I get the display? I called to Yahaira and asked her opinion. She stomped over and demanded a new watch for me…or a discount. The cashier lowered his reading glasses and shook his head. No can do.
I turned to Yahaira. “Should I get the watch?” I questioned.
“What?! Are you crazy? You’re not getting a display. You deserve a brand new watch!” She hollered in the middle of the Fossil store. I nodded and handed the watch back to the snooty cashier.
Because I did deserve better.
I don’t always feel like I deserve the best. Whether it’s jewelry, my wardrobe, or a relationship, I often lower my expectations and settle for what’s available. If Yahaira weren’t there to guide me, I probably would have bought the display watch. Something has been instilled in me that leads me to think that second best is okay. No more. I am realizing I am worth more than a second hand watch that’s been tainted by the touch of countless customers. I know that now and will begin to live a life that reflects my self-worth.
I have learned to splurge because I am worth it.