Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be different had I made different choices.  Would I be a successful movie producer? Would I have a fabulous gay BFF and dominate the Miami writing scene? Would I be married to a respectful, kind man and have children?

These questions linger in my mind from time to time. I watch SNL and the scurrying of the production crew reminds me of the production assistant job I was offered at 21. I recall a meeting with my new boss, Hazel, and her team. The responsibility, the long work hours, the poor pay, the possibility of living a life I wasn’t sure I wanted: it was all too much for me. Hazel never saw or heard from me again.

My gay BFF would have been a product of living in Miami. I often daydreamed of riding in a red convertible, top down, R&B blasting. The wind whipping my hair as if I’d pushed Willow Smith out of the way and became the star of her video. The base of the beats pouring from the speakers, turning heads. But these daydreams never became reality. After living in South Jersey for 2 years, uprooting my life and leaving my family behind once again became unfathomable. My gay BFF and I never had a chance.

As for my lost college love, I see his life playing out on Facebook and think of the choice I made my Freshman year. It was Bad Boy Kurt over Kind Kelvin, and I chose wrong. Or so I think. Sure, I wonder what could have been, especially now that I am single, 32, and ready for love and commitment. I ponder my life with Kelvin when I peruse the photos of his daughter, and think, how beautiful our children would be. But don’t we all reminisce when it comes to matters of the heart? Yes, we do. And could a different path have been better? Perhaps.

The only thing that is certain is that there are no guarantees. My choices, whether regretful or not, have led me to where and who I am today. They’ve taught me lessons I never even knew existed, which is why I am grateful for my path, even if I abandoned Hazel, never bedazzled jeans with my gay BFF, and broke Kelvins heart.  Now, I choose to live in the present moment. I choose to leave the ‘what ifs’ and ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’s’ in this blog and move forward with certainty that I am where I’m supposed to be.  It is the best choice I’ve made thus far and I’m sticking to it.