“The Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next.” And this is what I’m tackling next! I figure it can only help me with my publishing goals and career as a radio show host (and much more!). So here goes!
First thing to do is use the prompts that the Reverb 10 website dictates. There are prompts for each day of December 2010. I’m a little late so I’m going to have to do more than one a day. I can do it as it is all about passion and a desire to reflect! And as most of you know, the 1st Lady of Love has an abundance of both.
One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
ACCEPTANCE. Simple enough, no? Hmmm, not really.
2010 was challenging on various levels. I was unemployed and attempting to profit from my former site, Lovemionline.com. I was a “CEO” without the cashola or the team. I was hurt by the inconsistency of a friend who became my business partner to only disappear into oblivion. Then there was the loss of an ex-lover/boyfriend/friend/drinking-salsa-buddy. Adan Gonzalez was murdered in East Harlem, the neighborhood he’d lived in all his life, when walking home from Orbit, a neighborhood bar he frequented. I got the call and life…changed. I sobbed, read somber messages that friends posted on his Facebook wall, Googled his name for more information. I was devastated for the loss of a 26 year old man who was a beautiful, supportive, loving spirit.
On the day of his wake, I approached his casket and noticed dry blood inside his fingernails and nail bed. He was stabbed to death. I imagined he held his chest, bleeding out, frightened and cold, before taking his last breath.
And that was only in February.
A little over a month later my Tia Argentina passed away. She suffered a cardiac arrest on December 26, 2009 and died three months to the date. She was in a nursing home. Visiting her there was devastating. Seeing her there, unable to express her emotions with curse words and in her boisterous tone, as she often did, was torture. She was in a coma and I knew, in my heart, she had gone before the date printed on her death certificate. But I wasn’t ready. I was unemployed and attempting to profit from my former site, Lovemionline.com. I was a “CEO” without the cashola or the team. I was performing/hosting the Lovemionline Sex Showcase when I received the call that Tia had no pulse…was gone…for good…in body and spirit now.
Another wake. Another burial. Another loss.
And that was only in March.
Soon, I began to reflect. Loss tends to do that to people. Gets us all in our heads. I reevaluated my relationships and wondered if they were fulfilling. Did every person in my life deserve a place in my life? Had the people in question met my expectations? Were these relationships one-sided? No. No. And yes. So I decided to take action. I released Melvin, the man I felt was my soul mate though he had yet to leave his girlfriend as he so often stated. I confronted my friend Irene regarding the business partnership that had gone awry. I shared my disappointment with my friend Elizabeth, who showed no support when I lost Adan and Tia. Only one person responded positively, acknowledging their mistakes. The rest are now a part of my history.
So why did I choose the word ‘acceptance’? Because I have accepted loss with grace, respect, and dignity. I am still standing tall. I have abandoned the feelings of bitterness and betrayal that usually falls upon me when loved ones disappoint. I am living in the moment and know that I am resilient and will always, always see the silver lining. Because of the loss I’ve experienced (both physical and emotional) I cherish my family, my life, my job (I am a mentor now), my own website, my good friends (there are no more bad seeds). I aspire to live a fulfilling life filled with love, positivity, and acceptance. Simply put, pepitas and pepitos, 2010 has taught me I have no control over anyone or anything outside of myself. I only have one life to live and I have so many dreams, so many aspirations that I will accomplish. And with that, I look forward to living 2011 with a pepaload of…
Yeah, it’s two words. Suck it!