I began a post about my time in Punta Cana and how I wanted to kill my momma, but, once I returned from using the ladies room, the piece, saved as a draft, was blank.
I am taking this as a sign. The Universe wants me to stop complaining about Mami. Instead, The Universe wants me to do something about my unsettling feelings, which have led me to be an ungrateful daughter at times.
I love my mother. But, as most of you may agree, mothers know how to push the wrong buttons to drive us from respectful, obedient Latina daughters to nasty sarcastic Americanas. With a snap of my neck and a smack of my lips, I hear Mami wail, “Yo no te crie asi!”
And she’s right.
Mami raised me to be a good girl who speaks when she is spoken to and doesn’t move unless asked. She trained me to sit still when en casa ajena and I better not touch anything anywhere under any circumstance! My upbringing has led me to become a respectful woman who believes in family. Mami wanted her daughters to be independent and to succeed, particularly financially.
And this is where my need for approval kicks in.
Like a bat seeing daylight for the first time, I flap around, scrambling for the safety of success. I’ve jumped from job to job, hoping one will stick because I want a pension and health insurance and a check deposited into my bank account every other Friday. In the end, I am only satisfied doing what I love: creating stories about my life and filming comedic sketches. Mami doesn’t understand this. She fears it will not happen for me.
I’m afraid she’s given up on me.
So, here I am. Back from Punta Cana with a fantastic tan and a heavy heart. I don’t want to give up but I don’t want to fail…myself…my sister…Mami. I don’t want to be the daughter who lives with her mother forever, the jamona that is talked about and miserable. I don’t want to be the sister who can’t afford vacations. I don’t want to be the woman who regrets and lives in a cyclical state of what if.
My life cannot be a blank page.
My life will not be a blank page.
Love Sex and the City? Buy Love Trips: A Collection of Relationship Stumbles by Sujeiry Gonzalez AKA “The Latina Carrie Bradshaw.” Love Trips chronicles Sujeiry’s failed attempts at love with a little more sass, a lot more Bacardi and a ton of laughs. To buy, click here!Related posts:
It will not be a blank page! You’re a talented writer, this post is a great example! Just keep going girl, persistence is the key!
I love my mother. I just cant talk to her about these things. She is sensitive and has trouble thinking outside the box.
I know she loves me. She’s concerned about my future, that is all. She just shows it in her way because she doesn’t understand what is it that I do professionally. And yes, it was bold of me to speak up. Trust me, I’m getting shit for it from family members. But, writing is my therapy. It is my form of expression. It is mine. And no one can take it away from me.
I think she’s a fan of what I will become but not of the struggle that has come along. Thanks for your kinds words!
Speaking as a mom, I can assure you that your mom has not given up on you! She is your biggest fan and always will be! Like you said, it stems more from the fact that she doesn’t understand.
That said, I think you should continue to persevere this path that you’ve chosen. You are quite talented, full of so much raw emotion and passion for what you are doing. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be a huge success!
you demand respect by being so honest and vulnerable… I can’t say I’d be so bold as to admit this publicly if I felt the same way. Coming from someone is OCD with my mother and completely attached to her breast and hip, I encourage to make amends, not just for your relationship with her but for your own spirit and soul. Life will be so much lighter and happier. Thanks for sharing, Suj.
Wow. Those adjectives are everything I aspire to be! Thank you so much. And no, “Unwritten” isn’t corny. I love that song!
Thank you so much for all your kinds words! They mean so much and I feel so motivated. Muah!
Love! Love! Love! Again, you hit the nail on the head, and in doing so, the ripple effect continues as seen in all the comments that say, I hear you, I also, My Mami. Blank page. So simple, full of possibility, daunting, nobel, and strong. This is what I see in you. And chica, even though it’s a little bit of a cheesy song, I can’t help but hear a little bit of Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” in this post.
http://thewiselatinaclub.com/the-high-heeled-kitchen-cheaters-flan-thanksgiving/
Ah, yes. Unlearning all that we know. This is where I am in. My family history, my background, the perceptions, the projection…it really does mess with my head. It’s funny how we can feel so much more respected and understood by friends and colleagues rather than family. But I cannot control what my sister and mother and cousins and the others believe about me. It really shouldn’t matter. As you said, I have to be my own person, not become the mold others want me to fit. I cannot, will not, live for my sister and mother. I don’t want to lose myself or doubt myself.
Thanks so much for your words, Vicky.
Thank you, Julie! I am filling the pages as I go along. Some books are just longer than others
Beautiful words, Bella…thank you.
Yes, Monica. You are correct! I believe when something is right it works sin tantas complicaciones. I’m in the process of mapping out what my next steps are to succeed in my career. I feel good about where I’ve been. The small successes help me stick with this. The small accomplishments make me feel good about my talent. I know I am talented. In my heart of hearts, I know this will work. I just have to go after it and never let go.
Thanks again for your inspiring words.
Ay mija! My mami is super old school! She really doesn’t know any thing else. It’s how she was brought up. She does love me. I know she does. She shows it with the way she takes care of me and always looks out for me financially and otherwise. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t allow me to live with her for 5 years rent free. Mami wants me to be happy, that’s all. She wants me to be financially successful. I guess it’s what all parents want for their children.
When things are down, I may have to hit you up for that tequila lol.
This comment gave me chills…in a good way! It means so much to me that people believe in me. It makes me feel that I am not crazy and that this is my destiny. I just have to remember that I can “do anything and go anywhere”. When dark days loom, I will return to your encouraging words.
Thank you, Carrie! It truly came from the heart. It’s been a tough couple of weeks but I do believe my path will be made clear. I just have to keep plowing and listen.
Sujeiry, this is beautiful and honest and raw.
Keep doing what you’re doing and your path will be made clear.
(And, I hear you on the Mami…)
Your life is not and will not be a blank page. There is so much to be said and many things remain to be written.
You will have all insurance and a pension and direct deposit – because you want those things. You’re young and there is nothing is holding you back – you can do anything and go anywhere. The only approval you need in this life is your own. If you are happy – NOTHING and NO ONE else matters.
You just haven’t found the right fit. But that means you need to sit down and get serious and figure out what the “right fit” is exactly. Then get after it and don’t let go.
I know your mami loves you, but she sounds like my mom old school where they need to physically see you drive to work every morning. The world is changing, we can know be at home and provide for our familes. Keep at it, you are going to make it!! Stay strong sista and if need tequila..ya know I got it!!
I have had very similar thoughts. I have loved starting a company but is it the right thing for my family. Less money, more work is really not the best way to raise a family. But I think what I am doing now is really getting me ready. Not sure for what yet but something! All this stuff that is second hat to us (SEO, blogs, facebook, twitter) is real skills that we are developing. So you are not a blank page but a wonderful book that is still being written.
You cannot fail when you are attempting to be your best true self. Best of luck to you.
There comes a point in every woman’s life where we realize that we have to unlearn all that we know so that we don’t become that blank page you fear. You’ve reached a point where you have the insight and now you have the choice. Do you become the mold others want you fit or do you shape your own mold that fits the person you want to become. You can only live your life for yourself. The moment you live it for others you become who they want you to be, but you lose becoming the person you born to be.
The great thing about people is that they’re predictable which means they can be trained. You just have to train them to accept you as you are. It’ll take some time, maybe a chicken and some feathers, but it’s totally doable. =)