I sometimes wish I were a gay man. I wish I could go on a date, tap into my innate Gaydar and know if the man sitting across from me is flailing his hands because he loves penis or is swatting a gnat. But I don’t. I am but a heterosexual woman who doesn’t see the signs that he is an undercover gay. I think of ex-boyfriend’s and men I’ve fooled around with and wondered: was he straight or a man on the down low?
Take Double Deuce, for example. He wasn’t really into sex. Come to think of it the only woman he was into was Maryjane. Still, he text me multiple times a day and was very affectionate. Like a faithful puppy, he’d hug me tight.
Then again he didn’t lick me anywhere.
Soon after breaking it off with Double Deuce, a friend solved my conundrum.
“Sujeiry,” she said with a hushed tone. “I saw Double Deuce at a bar and he went into the bathroom with another man,” she finished.
I gulped. “Did the guy need toilet paper?” I asked, hoping for a reasonable explanation.
“No, girl. HE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM WITH HIM!”
That’s as gay as gay can get.
So, you can imagine my caution when I met another man on OK Cupid, an online dating site, and he checked out a male waiter. We met at Dos Caminos and I arrived first. His statistics were impressive: 38, no kids, never married and a business owner. Plus, he was cute. At least that’s what it seemed like in his profile picture. Then again, most of his photos were taken at an angle…
The door swung open and a tall, light skin Puerto Rican man walked in. There he was – my date. He strolled over to me. A male waiter passed me on my right. And there went Undercover Gay’s eyes.
HE JUST LOOKED AT A MAN! My pepa harped.
He did indeed. But what was I to do? Storm out the door and accuse him as the second coming of John Travolta (allegedly)? Not unless there was a camera crew and a potential for an Emmy.
So, I stuck it out. I sat across from a man who flailed his hands, checked out male patrons and talked about how manly he was, how big his car was and how much money he had in the bank. I wished I was a gay man in that very moment. That way my Gaydar would boom and I could hook him up with the waiter.