My readers know that I am very candid about my feelings, and that I almost always pen my woes, doubts, and thrills on this here page. So here I am with a confession.
I’ve become a fame monster.
Ironically, Lady Gaga’s “The Fame Monster” just began playing in the background.
I’ve craved fame for the last five years. I’ve worked my ass off trying to get TV gigs, radio gigs, and web gigs for a flicker of the spotlight. I’ve battled financial stress, dealt with intense competition, overcame disappointment after disappointment, rejection and false promises. I became a different person as I was envious of the success of others. I experienced the cutthroat nature of the entertainment biz. And I did it all for fame.
Why? Why did I want to be famous? Why did I keep pushing even when emotionally exhausted and wanting to stand on solid ground? At first, I thought it was about money. Being very rich. Financially free. With a beach home in Miami and a house in the Hollywood Hills and a condo in the Upper West Side. That all sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Very grand and fulfilling. I convinced myself that had to be it. That’s why I went to “Hollywood to be a big star,” as Jazmine Sullivan sings in “Dream Big.”
Then I lost a reality TV gig. Just two months ago, I turned down the chance to be on a television show as myself, which has been the goal. But it wasn’t what I thought it was; most reality shows are more than meets the eye. I was devastated. I was this close to having stardom, to feeling like all these years of struggle and hard work and pure hustle were not in vain. But life doesn’t always work the way we hope. Sometimes it works out better. That loss made me dig a little deeper and discover the real motivation behind my need for stardom.
Why did I really want the spotlight? Why did I crave fame? Because it would make me feel worthy, enough. It would prove to naysayers that I did it. I desired fame for recognition and approval. For a pat on the back. For others.
I’ve been working through these feelings of unworthiness for a long time. Thankfully, I’ve had a breakthrough. I am being as honest with myself as I am with readers who ask for relationship advice. I realize that I am enough just as I am.
Still, things have come up; a few projects are in the works. But I don’t need the shine anymore. I don’t need fame anymore. I didn’t like the person that I was becoming. My need for the spotlight was turning me into a fame monster – an insecure, unauthentic, envious monster – and that’s not me.
Am I giving up? I choose to think of it differently. I am looking at the big picture. I am viewing my life – past, present and future – through a different lens. I know what I want – to have a family with a wonderful husband that adores me and I him, to have a stable and fruitful career that I love, and to continue penning my woes, doubts and thrills on this here page. I will be grateful with these blessings. I will be happy if I touch just one reader, one heart, one soul, even if this doesn’t come with fame, even if it doesn’t look like what I thought I wanted. Because fulfillment and happiness don’t come from the outside. They stem from within when we know we are enough.
Photo Credit: Flickr.com/marfis75.