When I was in high school I never dated. Not that I wasn’t allowed to date but I was just too shy to tell guys I was interested in them. So I had my high school crushes. Two, to be exact. I would flirt a little, maybe bat an eyelash and flash my smile, but it never went beyond giggly, school girl flirtations.
I never had a real chance with Jose and Mike. Although they both dated girls who looked eerily similar to me, they wanted girls who put out. That wasn’t me. I also felt like I was never good enough for them.
Fast forward to college where I went to school with Jose. I finally had the courage to express interest and pursue a relationship with him. But, like in high school, he was a total douche bag; he still wanted to fuck every woman who glanced his way. Our relationship became dramatic. I even remember that he came over to my apartment once and stole my phone, which held some compromising pictures of him. To get revenge, I hacked into his Myspace account easily (he left his page open on my computer) and I changed his username from “Dee” to “Dee’s Nuts.”
I thought it was just hilarious. At 19 years old, I had no problem being extra juvenile. Oh, and those compromising pictures? I was smart enough to email them to myself. I held them for safe keeping in case I needed extra ammo.
Needless to say, things between Jose and I didn’t work out the way I wanted them to; so I vowed never to pursue an old crush. Surely, doing so is just living in the past!
Now I am in my 30s, fully grown and mature. I know what I want out of a relationship. I’ve stuck to my vow and haven’t looked back. Until recently, when Mike contacted me on Facebook. We talked over FB messenger and soon took the extra step. You know, we video chatted. I saw his face on the screen and reverted back to the 15-year-old giggly, school girl that was so into him. He reverted back to his 15-year-old goofy self. Still, I was fearful. I was so worried he might break my heart.
Last month Mike drove an hour out of his way to surprise me for my birthday. I realized he could be the real deal. Yet the fear remained. I avoided him while he was in town and didn’t make an attempt to see him despite his best efforts. When we spoke after my birthday, he expressed that he was hurt but still wanted to see me and spend time with me.
“So many years have passed us by,” he said, “and I feel like I need to make up for lost time.”
So, I went for it. Things seem amazingly different now that we’ve grown up. I have decided to finally let go of my fear and just follow my heart wherever it may lead me. I have no idea where our relationship is headed, but what I do know is I am staying positive and open minded. I can only hope for the best. Because maybe, just maybe he’s the crush the got away.