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Self-Pleasuring with Food: It’s Not Just American Pie

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Flickr: Ginnerobot.

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Self-Pleasuring with Food: It’s Not Just American Pie

Ever wonder what men use to masturbate? Food. Lots and lots of food. So look inside the bread loaf!

Guy goes into a bar and sees a man pouring a drink on his right hand. Guy asks him: “Hey buddy, why are you pouring beer on your hand?” The man says,”Ain’t it obvious? I’m getting my date drunk!”

When it comes to (giggity) self love, ain’t no love like your love, right? Whether you “beat the meat,” “flog the pole,” “polish the bishop,” “slap the salami,” “choke the chicken,” or “spank the monkey,” the act of masturbation has been around since time immemorial (cavemen couldn’t club all cavewomen). There are many benefits to solo love: it’s a great sleep aid, stress reliever, and it feels pretty awesome. It is also perfectly normal!

PLUS: Does Penis Size Really Matter?

According to WebMD, there is no such thing as abnormal masturbation. “We humans are too diverse to establish a norm,” says Betty Dodson, PhD, a New York City-based sexologist and the author of Sex for One. Additionally, “every man masturbates in his own way,” says Martha Cornog, the author of The Big Book of Masturbation, whether he “uses his hands, rubs against something, uses a sex toy or household object, wears special clothing, fantasizes, looks at a book or magazine, tries different positions, or looks in a mirror.” This is true, and after doing some hands on research (of the Internet-surfing kind, you nasty people. Although, I like how you think.) there are many different ways to do it, particularly with food. Yes…food. We all remember that great scene from American Pie where Jim humps the living hell out of an apple pie. But there’s more food items that can be used to masturbate. Here they are in all their deliciously disturbing glory.

Oui Oui

Some men enjoy masturbating with a nice French roll. One guy instructed me to open up a French roll and then add a lubricant! You fold the roll around your penis and hump away. As for the lube, you can use ketchup. Yes, ketchup. Just so you know, I’d rather eat bread, than bang the hell out of it.

Wonder Bread

When I was a young boy, Wonder Bread was the most amazing treat. Now, some men take the bread, make a hole and have sex with it. Another guy explained: “You put a plastic bag inside the hole and then wrap it round the half-loaf.” He took it to bed and it served as an excellent mock vagina. He also left the bread (full of his semen) by the side of the bed so he can masturbate some more the morning after. “The previous night’s sperm acted as an arousing lubricant.”

Mystery Meat

If your man has a lot of Spam in the house, start asking questions. Cause men use Spam to masturbate. You take out the block of meat, heat it in the microwave to warm it (but not too warm or it will burn your penis). Then (you guessed it) you cut a hole in the center to make it look like a vagina. And you know the rest.

WATCH: Ask Sujeiry: Is It Okay If Your Man Still Masturbates?

Cuke It!

You have to get some vegies in, your mom always said. This isn’t what she had in mind. One guy swears by cucumbers. He cleans out the middle, inserts his penis, and twists in a clockwise motion. Because no food group is safe when it comes to self-pleasure. Giggity.

 

Rich is a proud married guy and father of two. He enjoys helping women understand the mind of a man.

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